Thursday, April 03, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Saddam body double regretting career choice

Should've looked beyond benefits, flexible hours, he says

BAGHDAD--As coalition forces continued their assault on Baghdad this week, Saddam Hussein body double Aman Seyyid--who took the job in 1993 for its flexible hours, good benefits package and prestige--is now starting to regret his career choice, the dictator lookalike said Tuesday.

"How my heart would swell with pride to just walk down the street and watch the townspeople bow and wave, thinking I was their esteemed leader," Seyyid said as he shaved the last remnants of his moustache off in a broken shard of mirror. "And the side job I had at Al-Jareef's teahouse--a stand-up comedy act I'd do in the guise of our great president--wasn't bad either. But only now I see what my blind ambition has wrought."

Seyyid says his days are now spent hiding from coalition bombs and soldiers, as well as reward-hungry Iraqis looking to turn him in. "How I wish I'd gotten my certification in TV/VCR repair!" Seyyid added, putting on a baseball cap and sunglasses before venturing out.

Michael Moore still making Oscar speech

HOLLYWOOD--More than a week after starting his controversial acceptance speech at the 75th Academy Awards, documentary filmmaker Michael Moore was still at the podium of the empty Kodak Theater Friday, his only audience a janitor sweeping the floor.

"...and in the end, an award like this really won't matter to the poor Iraqi girl shivering in the cold, her home destroyed by so-called 'smart bombs,'" Moore said to nobody. "We don't need smart bombs, we need smart, compassionate leaders, and you don't make the grade, Mr. Bush. You and your cabinet of corporate cronies should be ashamed. Ha! Talk about 'regime change.' We need a regime change in America so this war of terror--not on terror--can stop..."

The janitor said Moore had about 10 more minutes before he had to lock up for the night.

Uneventful spring break a chilling rehearsal for summer vacation

With the promise of a party-filled week now unfulfilled, Eldorado High School sophomore Kurt Jorstad acknowledged Wednesday that his uneventful spring break is instead a chilling rehearsal for an equally mundane summer vacation.

"My goal for this week was to scope chicks at the mall by day, and full-on rage by night," Jorstad said. "And I was definitely gonna hook up with Julie Dufner. But mostly I've been sleeping, watching a lot of TV and eating these little frozen taquitos that are surprisingly tasty. And, I mean, there's no way I'm taking Julie Dufner out in my dad's Caprice."

This is Jorstad's third consecutive vacation during which a listless torpor has displaced grand plans for fun. "Last summer, I was gonna get a killer job and spend all my money on a hot girlfriend," Jorstad remembered. "But I really got into Grand Theft Auto for about a month and then my dad made me paint the garage for a lousy hundred bucks."

"I'm not even gonna make big plans for this summer vacation," Jorstad vowed. "'Cause I know I'm just gonna sit on my ass and wish I was about 10 times more popular. Fuck it."

Area woman out of excuses for not attending neighbor's candle parties

Having exhausted her arsenal of imaginary soccer practices, car repair appointments and vague, sudden ailments, resident Melissa Kreider feared she might be out of excuses for not being able to attend neighbor Lorrie Gammel's "Party Lites" candle party Monday evening.

As the hour approached when Gammel would invariably "just pop by" to pressure Kreider into attending, the mother of three frantically tried to come up with last-minute excuses.

"Maybe little Robert can have tonsillitis--no, wait, I told her he had the stomach flu last week. She'll see right through it," Kreider said. "And she knows soccer season is over, so that's a no-go. And grandmother's died three times already. Dammit."

Kreider later scanned the calendar for any convenient religious holidays and tried talking the family into celebrating Easter early.