Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, April 03, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Hey, people! Mort here, reporting to you live from the front lines of the 75th Oscars! Oh, that? Naw, don't mind that beet-red welt on my face...that was from when I tried "embedding" myself in Halle Berry's daring Elie Saab ensemble. Heh heh. Sorry Halle...I must've been momentarily moved by the spirit of Roman Polanski (to my younger readers who missed the reference: um, just think of him as the R. Kelly of film).

Other than that, Oscar Night was star-studded as usual, but subdued in deference to the war in Iraq; Carmen Electra even wore a bra! (It's an invention Michael Moore might want to look into as well.) It just goes to show that even at the loftiest heights of Hollywood, there's a sense that if we stick together through this trying time, we'll emerge from it stronger than ever. "We" meaning Halliburton stockholders, of course.

But the last thing I wanna think about is the war filling my TV set--the explosions, the terror, the degrading violence--oh wait...that's not CNN, that's an episode of "The Shield." So, after returning from Tinseltown, Mort spent a few days at an exclusive, upscale spa in the cultural mecca of Mesquite. Ensconced in a terrycloth robe, cucumber slices on my eyes, I discovered I wasn't the only one who needed a break from reality. Among my celeb-sightings: Connie Chung (show canceled by CNN), Peter Arnett (fired by NBC), Geraldo Rivera (kicked out of Iraq), Hulk Hogan (newly hired by Fox) and the rock band Great White--whatever you do, guys, don't play! Baaad idea! Desert environs verrry flammable!

Just to be safe, I headed for the "all-natural" jacuzzi, where a down-on-his-luck Tom Green earned his keep by, er...making bubbles? Toxic water! Toxic water! It only confirms my suspicion that the disease-ridden, boil-encrusted zombie trudging out of the steam room was, in fact, David Letterman. Other than that, it was a rejuvenating trip, and the drive back to Vegas was nice. The highlight was running into former "American Idol" finalist Corey Clark. He was picking up trash on the side of the highway in a prison jumpsuit.

So I'm back, rested and ready for the brutal summer after our annual four days of what might be charitably called "spring." I hear this summer's gonna be one of the hottest ever--particularly if you factor in the greenhouse effect and all that extra hot air getting expelled by "military experts" on TV. I'm already sweating like Anna Nicole at a spelling bee! But at least I know I'll be "gettin' some" this summer--'cause I'm sure we'll all get screwed by Nevada Power again. On top of that, we've got all these possible new taxes looming over us...taxes on cigarettes, movies, strippers. Sheesh, let's just change the sign on the south Strip already and get it over with: "Welcome to Fabulous Salt Lake City"! Ciao!