Agnes Fliff

Thursday, April 10, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Sidebar With Agnes Fliff

Facts on Dick Smothers Jr.

Is it true that Dick Smothers' son, Dick Jr., has embarked on a career as a porn actor?

Yes, but as his agent, I'm insisting he adopt a different stage name. Most porn stars steer clear of monikers like Junior. Other no-nos include Stumpy, Droopy and Twig. But I like the whole oxygen-deprivation imagery he's got going. Maybe he could become Dick Chokes or Dick Suffocates.

Is he directing porn films as well as acting in them?

Porn director, there's a tough job. You don't exactly have to be Martin Scorsese to go, "All right, people, let's do it again except this time in the butt."

What does his father say about this new career?

Probably the same thing my mom said when she found out I was dating Ron Jeremy. "Always wear clean underwear. Then afterward you can put them in a Ziploc bag and sell them on eBay." Of course, I broke up with Ron before we ever did a film together. One night we were going at it like crazed weasels and somehow my cigarette got knocked loose and his back hair caught on fire and he was all, "Get me to intensive care, get me to intensive care!" and I was all, "But what about my needs? I'm not finished yet." Men are so selfish.

What films has Dick Smothers Jr. starred in?

Right after Ron and I split, I decided to get out of acting and become a porn agent. But lately, thanks to the niche marketing power of the Internet, I'm working in front of the camera again. Are you familiar with the Girls Gone Wild videos? I star in a similar series called Girls Step on Beans. It's for discriminating foot fetishists aroused by women standing barefoot in foodstuffs like pork and beans, cottage cheese and corn chowder. Somewhere right now, Tommy Lasorda is whipping his skippy to the sight of my size 12EEE gunboats slogging through linguine with clam sauce. Jesus, is there anything that doesn't give men a chubby?