Thursday, April 17, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

World Report

McDonald's, Starbucks poised to invade Baghdad

KUWAIT CITY--Following up on their promise to liberate Iraq from the clutches of tyranny, a crack team of public relations experts, espresso technicians and Fry-o-later installers gathered Monday for their assault on Iraq's capital city.

"As soon as Tommy Franks gives the word, we're ready," said expedition leader Harrison Mabley. "We can have arteries clogged and preternatural caffeine alertness 36 hours from insertion."

Using satellite photography, the group has already targeted several likely locations for franchises--or, in military parlance, weapons of economic conversion and homogenization.

"The Iraqi people are desperate for the kind of inexpensive food-like substance only U.S. corporate know-how can provide," said Mabley. "Do you have any idea how long they've had to endure falafel stands?"

The Liberation will not be without its challenges. A spokesman for the Starbucks division of the invasion force noted that even some of the trendier coffee houses in Iraq still have brushed aluminum fixtures, which indicate a level of barbaric gaucheness they had not been prepared for. They are eagerly awaiting an emergency airlift of cherrywood display counters and indirect lighting. "We hope to have all trace of native culture and cuisine routed by mid-May," Mabley said.

'Good towels' not used in 8 months

Revealing the strength of his wife's ironclad edict against wiping his "filthy hands" on the guest towels, area man Darryl Selvey reported Friday that the downstairs bathroom's lace-fringed, terrycloth towels embroidered with "Welcome!" have not been touched by human hands in more than eight months.

"I'm really starting to question why we even have the 'good towels' if we never use them," Selvey said as he shook his hands dry over the sink. "I know we're supposed to be 'saving' them for guests, but, Jesus, the last time we had anyone over was in August when Bill and Marge from work came over for drinks to celebrate my promotion. And they didn't even use the bathroom." Selvey then furtively wiped his hands on the back of the towels and carefully rearranged them.

Tesh, Phil Collins CDs not looted

BAGHDAD--Despite widespread looting of stores and homes in the wake of the U.S. and British forces taking Iraq's capital, several items remain untouched by opportunistic Iraqis, including John Tesh and Phil Collins albums, Master of Disguise DVDs as well as VHS copies of Joe Vs. The Volcano, coalition forces reported Thursday.

"Look at this. They completely cleaned this department store out--clothes, food, furniture, music, everything," said Pvt. Cory Paxton with the 15th Infantry. "There's nothing left but a pile of John Tesh A Deeper Faith albums and some of Phil Collins' No Jacket Required. It just goes to show that, at bottom, the Iraqis are not only a freedom-loving people, but that they've got decent taste in music." Paxton added that there was also an untouched pile of Ford Fairlane laserdiscs.

Prom derided as 'elitist fraud' by unpopular kids

The senior prom, long a cherished rite of passage marking a student's first, hesitant steps toward adulthood, is little more than a corporate fraud meant to codify high school's "dehumanizing elitism," according to dateless Silverado High School senior Carole Scimzak.

"We've all been fooled into thinking the prom is this beautiful ancient tradition meant to commemorate graduation," Scimzak said. "But, in fact, it's a fairly recent creation of the multinational corsage conglomerates who hope to maximize their profits by artificially stratifying teenagers into `popular' and `unpopular' roles.

"Dig deep enough into the faux `history' of the prom, and you'll find the manipulative corporate hands of Charlotte Russe, the Limited and the resource-depleting limousine cartel," Scimzak continued. "It's time we sent a message to the tuxedo-rental barons, the hotel chains and the peppermint schnapps moguls that we won't enrich their coffers on the backs of society's outcasts, dweebs and motards." Scimzak added she planned to subvert the tradition by staying home to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" while working through three pints of Ben & Jerry's.