Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, April 17, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

Hey everyone! Wow...Mort has to admit he's nearly in tears, after seeing the gripping photos and reading the moving accounts of how the evil regime has almost been toppled. Will its leader desperately cling to power or will he willingly go into exile? Eh, who knows what's going through the mind of Las Vegas City Councilman Michael McDonald. But one thing's for sure, he'll have a tough run against challenger Janet Moncrief in the general election this June. Ha! Where's your magical finger-gun now, Frosty the Hairman? Okay, sorry if I'm being a little shrill--it's just that this spring weather has got me all excited. Well, I guess it ain't spring, it's this allergy medicine that makes me feel like an Adam Sandler covered in bees has been unleashed in my brain.

But a little case of allergies didn't stop me from attending last weekend's Clark County Fair in Logandale, where much of the "fun" revolves, disturbingly, around livestock, i.e., weighing pigs, milking cows, and, of course, the obligatory petting zoo (where a surprisingly docile Robin Leach munched caviar from the hands of children). And who'd've thought Sen. John Ensign's thick skull was so pettable? Never mind that he wasn't in the corral. I skipped the kibble and forced a fistful of French fries into his face. Eat it up, John--it's brain food! Overall, it was a blast, though that herd of wild llamas certainly got out of hand...turns out they were celebrating having qualified for Millennium Scholarships. Yeah, gotta love the fair in Logandale--lots of braying, bleating and squealing. It's like Carson City with cowboy hats!

Yeah, talk about an animal farm! The recent state budget woes have inspired more inhuman, unholy animals sounds in the Nevada Legislature than one of Senate Majority Leader Bill Raggio's legendary after-hours jacuzzi parties. I was up there last week, and it was all "I need money for this! I need money for that!" It was as though I was a drug-addled casino heir and I'd stumbled onto a planet filled with Sandra Murphys! Bizarre. Well, I do hope they get the budget in order. Just imagine the things we could do with the money: more public schools, public libraries, public roads, public parks--you know, the stuff of Vin Suprynowicz's worst nightmares.

That's not to say I'm in a particularly charitable mood, especially since I recently had my annual reckoning with that dark entity that sucks up people's money with little justification--no, not Danny Gans, the IRS! My tax advisor told me I owed Uncle Sam almost a thousand dollars! Okay, Dubya, you can have it, but puhleeze don't spend it all in one place...like, say, Syria. Ciao!