Agnes Fliff

Thursday, April 24, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on the designated hitter

The designated hitter rule celebrates its 30th anniversary this season. Has the designated hitter been good for baseball?

The designated hitter ruined the game by turning modern ballplayers into one-trick pansies. In the old days players didn't polish the bench with their asses. It didn't matter if they had polio, were hungover and their man-root was so ravaged by the clap it dripped like a leaky pipe, they trotted out on the field and played a position. Players today can't squeeze a pimple without blowing out their rotator cuff. They go on the DL every time they get their period.

Hasn't the DH made American League play more exciting by adding offense?

Any additional offense is generated by their constant gobbling of steroids. Even the most limp-wristed fudge-nudger of a utility infielder yanks 40 dingers a year. Old players never had the muscle juice. They didn't even have personal trainers. The only time they got a workout was when they couldn't find a hooker and had to carry a mule up to their room.

Many people think the DH extends players' careers. Is that true?

Players extend careers by wearing body armor and fancy padding to protect their brittle, crack-addicted bodies. Up until 1959, players didn't even wear a cup. They just twisted a rubber band around their nuts to keep them from banging against each other when they ran the bases. Haven't you ever heard of the dead ball era?

Is the designated hitter rule here to stay?

You're probably wondering how I am so knowledgeable on the subject. As a teenager I was engaged to Daffy Dolf Reisberg, who played 12 seasons for the Lexington Head Lice of the old International League. And by engaged I mean I flashed my breasts at him whenever he got his Medicare check. Until the nursing home filed a court order against me. But I loved him dearly. And by him I mean his Medicare checks.