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Thursday, April 24, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: The Antique Roadshow in Baghdad

MODERATOR: Welcome to the "Antiques Roadshow." Today finds us in the cradle of civilization as we bring our panel of experts to the banks of the Tigris. Here, at the Baghdad Marriott, we'll pore through the possessions, both priceless and worthless, of this proud civilization. Our first stop is with Alistair Hall-Doyhe, expert in Western Asiatic antiqities at Sotheby's, who visits now with Baghdad resident Hasan al-Majid.

DOYHE: And that's very in keeping with Mesopotamian design of the day. The crescent moon was almost always evocative of the moon god Sin who was thought to hold magically protective powers.

AL-MAJID: Okay. I see.

DOYHE: Now what are we looking at today?

AL-MAJID: Well, I don't know really. It's just a...

DOYHE: Good lord, man.

AL-MAJID: What?

DOYHE: It's an Assyrian relief, probably from Nimrud. I don't know that I've ever...I mean, outside of a museum...I don't quite know what to say.

AL-MAJID: Is that good?

DOYHE: It's exquisite. I mean, look at this detail. This scene here depicts the capture of Astartu in Gilead by Tiglath-Pileser. The first, of course.

AL-MAJID: Of course.

DOYHE: I must say it's in remarkable shape. May I ask how it came into your possession?

AL-MAJID: Ummm...garage sale.

DOYHE: A garage sale?

AL-MAJID: Yeah, the guy was asking 8 dinar. I got him down to four.

DOYHE: Four dinar for a priceless, museum-quality artifact of antiquity? In all my years, I've never...

AL-MAJID: Well, I think the guy was pretty desperate. It was pretty late in the day and the stuff was pretty picked over. He was down to some crappy silverware, a waffle maker and a box of National Geographics.

DOYHE: Right, right. Well, I must commend your eye because it's a very, very important piece. You absolutely stole it, you old horse-trader.

AL-MAJID: What makes you say that?

DOYHE: Well, do you have any idea what this would command at auction?

AL-MAJID: 200 dinar?

DOYHE: Oh, my dear fellow, it's absolutely priceless. A million dollars is not unthinkable.

AL-MAJID: Damn. I wish my wife was here.

DOYHE: Resents the garage sales, does she?

AL-MAJID: It's more the time than the money, I guess. She wants me to stay home and help with the baby.

DOYHE: Don't they all. Well, I imagine this is a satisfying rebuke. Now what else did you bring today?

AL-MAJID: I got some stuff in this box. It's probably just junk.

DOYHE: Well let's have a look. One never knows what one might...heeellloooo...

AL-MAJID: What is it?

DOYHE: It's a cylinder seal. Post-Akkadian steatite, if I don't miss my guess. And rather ornate at that.

AL-MAJID: So it's...

DOYHE: Just look at this presentation scene. The deified king in the fringed robe. The priest and dignitaries. The semi-naked slave at his feet. Absolutely lovely.

AL-MAJID: Yeah, I got a couple of those.

DOYHE: You have more?

AL-MAJID: Well, I have this one...

DOYHE: Good heavens, I don't believe...

AL-MAJID: What? No good?

DOYHE: No, it's absolutely astonishing. It's a bit newer, mind you. Assyrian chalcedony, with a finely wrought engraving of the throne room of Ashurnasirpal the Second.

AL-MAJID: So that'll bring some coin, right?

DOYHE: Oh, absolutely. I'm reluctant to venture a guess as to...

AL-MAJID: Hey, what do you make of this green pig?

DOYHE: Oh my God. This is just a spectacular neo-Babylonian bronze boar's head with some verdigris and patination consistent with age.

AL-MAJID: Okay, so I can just take a Dremel to that, right?

DOYHE: What? No...umm...now hang on a second...you're saying this is a garage sale item?

AL-MAJID: Well, let me think here...No, now the pig I got at the flea market. Three dinar.

DOYHE: Absolutely unbelievable. This is just a remarkably fine collection. Is there anything else?

AL-MAJID: Umm, well, just this rock.

DOYHE: Oh...my...GOD!

AL-MAJID: What?

DOYHE: I've waited my entire professional...

AL-MAJID: What is it?

DOYHE: This is no mere rock, my friend. Unless I'm wrong, this may well be the world's first calendar. Probably some 10,000 years old.

AL-MAJID: Seriously?

DOYHE: Oh yes, Look here: Twelve rather deep grooves have been etched into the face of this rock. They're clearly the result of human industry and clearly meant to mark some passage of time.

AL-MAJID: Twelve marks? Representing months or something?

DOYHE: Almost certainly. Do you realize we're looking at man's first attempts to grapple with his own mortality?

AL-MAJID: I guess, but I still don't see how you get a calendar out of that.

DOYHE: Well, there are any number of hints. If you turn the rock over, you'll see an etching of a cat figure, perhaps some early corollary to the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet. Do you see?

AL-MAJID: I see a cat, but...

DOYHE: And she's clinging with all her strength to a tree limb, as if she might fall at any second. And there's a legend here in cuneiform. Can you make it out?

AL-MAJID: I don't really...

DOYHE: It reads, paraphrasing of course, "Hang in there, baby."

AL-MAJID: Now I get it. So this was more like a desk calendar? One of those little cuneiform-of-the-day things.

DOYHE: What? You know, I'm wondering if this might be the first of the series.

AL-MAJID: There was a series?

DOYHE: Well, I've seen one very similar in a textbook. A like-sized stone, the same 12 etchings, and on the other side four dogs, each with the head of Anubis, sitting at a table and playing some primitive form of cards.

AL-MAJID: I know that one. Hey, have you seen the one where a monkey in a business suit is answering the office phone?

DOYHE: Please, sir, what would the Sumerians know of the telephone?

AL-MAJID: No, you're right. Of course.