Thursday, August 07, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

KNPR launches 'all pledge drive' format

Capitalizing on the explosive popularity of its annual fundraising efforts, KNPR 89.5-FM announced Thursday its new "all pledge drive" format.

Hoping to capture the "upscale, educated market that loves pledge drives," KNPR general manager Lamar Marchese said the station will jettison its mix of classical music and news in favor of 24-hour programming dedicated to sniffy radio personalities wheedling listeners to send money for a designer tote bag, or to enter a raffle to win a weekend of wine-tasting in Napa Valley.

"Public radio is about knowing your listeners' tastes," Marchese said. "And more than in-depth news or classical music, KNPR listeners love hearing an effete, vaguely officious DJ guilting listeners into supporting public radio for what feels like the 1,000th time this year."

KNPR's new format will include programs such as "Guess Who's Asking for Money?" "Pledgie Home Companion" and "This American Checkbook."

Bush insists he was re-elected last week

WASHINGTON--After thanking Americans for choosing him to be their leader for the next four years, president-elect George W. Bush continued to brush aside criticism at his first press conference since claiming to be re-elected last week.

"I don't know where you guys were," he said Tuesday in response to repeated queries by the press. "But both I and the rest of America know there was a presidential election last week. Remember? Election? Ad campaigns? People voting? After staying nose-to-nose with John Kerry for several hours, I finally pulled ahead, taking Minnesota, Florida and, just barely, Kentucky."

"I swear I was re-elected," Bush continued. "Why would I lie about something like that?"

When asked by a reporter to prove it, Bush said, "No. Why don't you prove that I wasn't?"

Toy is less microwave safe than previously thought

Connor Blankenship's most prized Yu-Gi-Oh action figure was severely damaged Wednesday when the hard plastic toy proved less microwave safe than the youngster had previously estimated.

Blankenship, 9, inserted his Hitotsu-Me Giant into the GE microwave shortly before noon, hoping a prolonged burst of radiation would endow the fearsome Yu-Gi-Oh monster with even greater powers. "Now we will crush Blue Eyes White Dragon once and for all," Blankenship said as he watched through the oven's glass door.

But within 20 seconds it became clear that Hitotsu-Me was no match for GE's ultrasonic firestorm. Fumes began pouring from the oven and Blankenship struggled mightily to stop the machine's cruel death rays. Another 20 seconds elapsed before Hitotsu-Me, now in flames on his rotating Pyrex dish, could be rescued.

"Live, damn you," Blankenship urged as he ran the scarred giant beneath the kitchen faucet. "What have I done, Hitotsu-Me? God forgive me, what have I done?"

Area dog fiercely protective of owner he can't stand

Despite years of sickening neglect punctuated by violent abuse, area dog Mr. Ditka acknowledged Tuesday he remains "fiercely and perversely" loyal to Lance Crenshaw, the owner who's made his life a living hell.

"I can't explain it," Ditka said Tuesday. "I don't know...maybe you just start to identify with the abuser, but I'd kill for the guy. I'll be barking at people that I know are much better human beings than Lance, nice good people, but I'd kill them if they got inside the gate. That's how you start thinking when you have to beg for food."

"Sometimes I find myself wishing a baby would get inside the back yard," a pensive Ditka continued. "I mean, it's terrible to say, but that way I could kill it and then, in turn, be put down by the city. Maybe that would stop the horrible cycle of abuse. Or I'll start these annoying barking jags in hopes someone will toss poison meat over the fence. God, that would be a glorious release."