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Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Hey! Sorry I haven't been around for the past week or so. Talk about a drawn-out special session: Those Bob Hope eulogists don't know when to quit! Blah blah blah comic legend, blah blah blah, patriotic funnyman, blah blah blah...listen, start shoveling that dirt, 'cause I'm starting to smell dead comedian! Heh heh. But seriously, I must say I'm proud to have been included in the close group of friends and family invited to last week's private funeral for the legendary laughmeister. Bob looked, well, pretty much like he had in recent years--pale and very still--and the service was less a funeral and more a celebration of his life and work. However, that part when Buddy Hackett and Phyllis Diller, wearing cowls and carrying black candles, led a bizarre occult ritual to try to raise Hope from the dead was a bit much. Yikes! Other sightings at the service: Woody Allen (hitting on Hope's great-great-granddaughters), Don Rickles (screaming at Hope's great-great-granddaughters); plus a ton of other funny old white guys who have for so long entertained the not-so-funny old white guys who run the country. Oh, Sinbad was there, too...working as a groundskeeper.

But lemme tell ya, that scene was tame compared with the one I witnessed at a recent screening of Gigli. I haven't seen this much rage, hate, disgust and spite since getting stuck in an elevator with Michael Savage a couple of weeks ago. Though Mort could understand the audience's sentiment; they don't even serve turkeys this big during Thanksgiving Week at Star Johnson's house! And I'm sorry, but Jennifer Lopez is simply not hot. I think the saucy nickname "J. Lo" just makes people think she's hot. I mean, any lady can trick out her name like that to get instantly super-sexified. Check it out: Nina Radetich = "N. Ro." Spicy! Kate Maddox = "K. Mo." Hot! Mary Kincaid-Chauncey = ...er, well, maybe that theory doesn't hold water after all. Spotted in the audience: a badly disguised Michael McDonald and a phalanx of undercover police officers, which meant that Janet Moncrief probably wasn't very far away. Mike Tyson was there, too...working as an usher.

Gossip alert! Spies tell me Tyson, desperate to get out of debt, is up next for an appearance on the runaway Bravo spinoff "Queer Eye for the Straight Cro-Magnon Rape Monster," in which Tyson will get a makeover and become--voila!--a normal human being. It's a loooong series, starting with loving parents, kindergarten, rudimentary social skills, basic English, self-esteem classes...the show's expected to wrap up shooting in 2028. Can I nominate Vince Neil for the second season, and the Boston Catholic diocese for the third? Yo, M. Lo says peace out. Ciao!