Thursday, August 14, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Saddam insists purse, high heels crucial to disguise

OUTSKIRTS OF TIKRIT, Iraq--Clashing once again with his bodyguards and closest advisers, fugitive dictator Saddam Hussein insisted Friday that his red, seven-inch Stiefel high heels and matching Van Hove purse are "absolutely crucial to eluding our imperialist pursuers."

"With Allah as my guide, I submit to you that negotiating these dunes in the red shoes favored by the Western harlot does slow our progress somewhat," Hussein told them. "However, these stylish summer pumps, perfect for casual dinners or even formal affairs, will undoubtedly fool our would-be captors. They will look upon our caravan and think, 'Oh, that is not a fleeing dictator. Rather, it is a sexy, carefree female reveling in the throes of her ripening womanhood. Look at the way she swings her purse as she dances across the sand like a mirage. How pretty she is!'"

Hussein then asked for a mirror again.

Bush begs parents to come pick him up at Camp David

Tearful president says counselors 'totally stuck-up and mean'

CAMP DAVID, Md.--Claiming he hated them for ever sending him here, a tearful George W. Bush begged his parents to come rescue him from the unendurable hazing and bullying of popular Camp David, sources said Tuesday.

Just two days into his scheduled three-week stay, Bush is reported to have snuck away from his bunk to commandeer Camp David's lone pay phone. There, in a voice choked with sobs, Bush pleaded of former first lady Barbara Bush: "Please come get me. I hate it here, Mother. I really do."

In a hushed but anguished plea for deliverance, Bush said, "I miss you guys. I'm trying to have fun. Really I am. But everybody's so mean. There's this one counselor...I can't speak up louder, Mother. If they hear me, it'll just get worse. Please, Mother, I'm begging you...oh please, God, just come get me."

Though her heart was melted by her son's obvious pain, Barbara Bush urged the president to "stick it out" for the first week and then see how he felt about the camp.

"Please don't make me stay here, mother," Bush said in final negotiations. "If you'll come get me, I'll be good. I'll paint the boathouse. I promise."

Erin Kenny living off Tums

Faced with an ongoing FBI corruption probe and growing criticism for her unethical ties to developers, casino operators and strip club owners, an "incredibly stressed" Erin Kenny subsists on a diet of Tums, sources said Thursday.

"God, ever since this corruption stuff started happening, she's been totally living off Tums," said daughter Carol, sitting on a pallet of the popular antacid in Kenny's living room. "Yesterday, it was a Tums casserole for dinner and some Rolaids-chip ice cream for dessert. Tonight I think she's gonna whip up some of her famous Tums chowder."

Kenny was out shopping for Tums and could not be reached for comment.

Gov. Gray Davis to audition for lead role in Terminator 4

HOLLYWOOD--In response to actor Arnold Schwarzenegger putting his name on the Oct. 7 recall ballot, embattled California Gov. Gray Davis announced he was auditioning for the lead role in Terminator 4.

"Fine, Arnold. Run for governor," Gray Davis said Monday before a group of supporters at the Intermedia Productions studio in Hollywood. "But--lookie here! I'm about to walk in that studio and become the next Terminator. With the people of California behind me, I plan to bring this action-packed franchise back to where it once was. I'm serious. I'm gonna do it! Don't think I won't!"

Gray then intoned those famous lines, "I'll be back," and went inside to drop off his resume.