Agnes Fliff

Thursday, August 14, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on the California recall election

Why are Californians so disenchanted with Gov. Gray Davis?

The man exudes a smarmy slickness bordering on inhuman. He preens to within an inch of his life. His hair is laminated, as if he uses some voodooesque Brylcreem concoction; probably a mixture of egg whites, grout sealant and monkey sperm. And anyone who has ever tried to extract semen from chimps knows it involves way more than salad tongs, banana-flavored lube and uncensored "Lancelot Link" episodes. You have to really, really want it.

Will Arnold Schwarzenegger win the gubernatorial recall election in California?

Crunch Buttsteak is certainly the frontrunner but by no means a shoo-in. Schwarzenegger has strong negative ratings among liberals and anyone who forked over money to see the gooey glacier of vomit that is Kindergarten Cop. And as the campaign heats up he'll have to deal with allegations of steroid abuse, being a closet Nazi, unprovoked quippage and his penchant for pulling babies from their strollers and eating them, then flinging wads of $100 bills at the hysterical mothers and proclaiming, "Your womb-fruit tastes like lotion und graham crackuhs."

Are there other candidates who have a chance of winning?

Mathilda Karol Spak, a 100-year-old woman, and Gallagher will split the people-who-like-their-food-mashed vote. Hustler magnate Larry Flynt has the best campaign slogan: "Put California in the pink again." But Gary Coleman has the best platform. It's carpeted and helps him see above the podium. Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Could something like this occur in other states?

If you're thinking about taking down Gov. Kenny Guinn, forget it. I did a little research because I considered going the Angelyne route and plastering my assets on billboards all over the place. But apparently there's some kind of law that prohibits "clitoral displays more than three stories high." God, I hate the puritanical restrictions in this town.