THE HOMEOWNER

Thursday, August 14, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

The Homeowner: The man in the mirror

By Mike Prevatt

If there's one thing that best characterizes my wit, it's my penchant for teasing people. I am a fan of the petty insult, born out of my inclination for sarcasm, dry humor and one-liners, and perhaps having something to do with me being an Aries (one gay zodiac-themed website flat out called me a bitch; another, a prick). Nevertheless, I never mean to hurt anyone, and I certainly invite my marks to retaliate--and comeback they usually do.

Lately, I've been told I sometimes cross the line. This is usually due to the tonal misunderstanding that hinders some cyberspace correspondence, and thus matters get sussed out and everyone's fine. But one particular dissing volley has remained with me, and it overflows into my feelings toward gay men with respect to appearance standards.

A friend of mine sent us a link where an old picture of him still resides, and in it he's sporting some raver-novelty eyewear. It was delivered self-deprecatingly, so I took that as the go-ahead to tease him about it, and replied with a faux-bitchy missive about his historically bad shades. He did not take it well. Though offered with a disclaimer that he wasn't upset with me, he wrote that I was too conservative in my own appearance, apparently afraid to "fuck up the conventions" or "live a little," and inferring I appeared older than I was.

Had he thrown back a similar barb instead, I'd likely have received this with an eye roll, a laugh and a "touché." But he went beyond glib accessory criticism--he got serious and personal, more than the dish-it-and-take-it rule allows, in my perhaps-hypocritical opinion.

No gay man in his twenties wants to hear that he's too normal, boring or old-looking. We've always been more sensitive than our straight male brethren, and we've been conditioned to be very self-conscious of our appearance. We're guilty of raising the standards of beauty beyond those of fashion magazines. Especially among younger gay men, there's an importance placed on physical perfection, attained usually through obsessive exercise, carb-cutting diets, and shopping sprees that include body-accentuating fashion and expensive fragrances. Why? It's not just about maintaining a degree of attractiveness--it's also about looking fabulous and making an impression.

Enter karma. I'm as guilty of this mindset as anyone else. I'm not generally attracted to men much older than myself, and I, too, like my men lean and well-groomed. I've racked up some debt buying name-brand duds, and have occasionally hidden my gleaming dome under a beanie to make myself more, um, marketable. Maybe such adornment and attitude is indicative of the majority of people, regardless of sexuality, but these notions seemed stressed in the gay community, and I'm not exactly combating them myself.

Enter fitting in. Each community seems to have a type of uniform that associates one member with the rest of the pack. My friend wore his goofy shades that night long ago because it was part of the raver costume. He probably now wears reflective sunglasses associated with '70s and '80s cop shows like "CHiPs" because they are, in an almost kitsch-like manner, part of a retro resurgence in fashion, and homosexual and metrosexual alike might use this look to exhibit up-to-date style. Not exactly "fucking up the conventions," mind you, but since ravers and homos are still left of center, tradition and mainstream homogeneity are bucked. Still, a groupthink mentality emerges, and irony hinders genuine individuality.

Perhaps part of my "boring" look stems from me not belonging to any community. When I've gone to raves, I wasn't exactly sporting the big fuzzy pants, or the plethora of bright and beady jewelry--mostly because my sporadically raving ass would have felt like a poseur dressed like that. If I'm in a gay-friendly part of town, I'm not sporting tight sleeveless tees or Abercrombie & Fitch jock-wear, mostly because those clothes don't look good on my wiry frame. Whether I'm at a gay bar or just eating dinner with my parents, I generally am content with wearing some musically-themed t-shirt with a pair of jeans and Converse sneakers. Granted, that look is associated with indie rockers, but I don't run with that crowd, either. I've got no crowd, and I'm not always proud of that.

Now, we've got Bravo/NBC's breakout hit "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" reminding all sorts of men where we need to be shopping, what needs to be regularly waxed and why we need to be applying various skin care products to our face. There's nothing wrong with trying to look good and standing out, but to what extent? When do we become too self-absorbed?

Speaking of which, I told my friend that while teasing has always been a give/take consistency in my life, I'd be more mindful of his feelings from now on. And maybe everyone else's, too. The Golden Rule may never have gotten anyone laid, but it certainly has more cred than any hipster-approved accessory.

The Homeowner appears biweekly. Send your comments, questions and nude pics (especially if you look like Cillian Murphy) to oughtabeinporn@yahoo.com.