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Knappster: It's official: We live in a desert

By George Knapp

Congratulations are in order for local water officials now that they have made the astounding discovery that the Las Vegas Valley is located in a desert. Each day, it seems, brings new evidence of the water honchos newfound knowledge. It's as if a veil had been lifted from their doe-eyed faces.

Four years into a record drought, the water czars and their elected masters have finally admitted what Native Americans, Mormon settlers, grizzled prospectors, railroad barons, and most other folks have known for the past few centuries--namely, that the Mojave Desert is a hot, mostly bone-dry hellhole that is prone to drought more often than not. This realization seems to have caught the water purveyors completely off-guard, but they are rapidly trying to make up for lost time by taking steps that many think are 20 or 30 years overdue.

In addition to jacking up your water rates by a hefty margin, they are unleashing the hounds, that is, water cops armed with citation booklets. Oh, they haven't got around to stopping any new housing developments or casino projects. After all, growth is what the water establishment is all about. They seem to have every intention of supplying more and more water for more and more growth. Even though such growth will mean less and less water for current residents. Your bills will go up even as you are told to stop watering your lawn, stop washing your car, rip out your turf, turn off your fountain and, by the way, what are you doing in the shower so long, little mister?

The latest get-tough strategy is the announcement that local businesses will have to stop using water for decorative fountains and other water features. Yesirree, the water bosses are really cracking down on casino fountains, canals, ponds and such. Why, any day now, these symbols of profligate water waste will be sent packing. You believe that, don't you?

So far, only one casino property has seen its fountain turned off. The modest San Remo Hotel was ordered to turn off its 10 square-foot water fountain. (Hell, that move alone probably saved enough water to allow another 20,000 new homes in Green Valley or North Las Vegas.) Sharp-eyed locals might notice that the Bellagio fountains are still spraying. The Venetian canals are still open for gondoliers. The volcano at the Mirage still belches smoke and water. In fact, 21 major companies have applied for exemptions to the oh-so-tough water restrictions, including Caesars Palace, MGM Grand, Paris, New York-New York, Bally's and the Tropicana.

County commissioners and water honchos are already talking tough. Why, if they grant one exemption, they might have to hand out even more, they've said. So, by golly, it's going to take a lot of explaining before they give the okay to these casino giants to keep their expensive water features. And we all know how often local elected officials say no to the gaming industry.

Cynicism aside, the casinos probably can make a compelling case for keeping some of these features. The fountains, canals, mini-lakes and lagoons are useful in marketing casino properties and in bringing tourists to town. Those high-end resorts are the engine that drives the entirety of the local economy. What's more, to the resort industry's credit, much of the water used in the assorted features is non-potable, or recycled, or both.

The problem is that few people--visitors and locals alike--are likely to appreciate such distinctions. Folks arrive here from drought-stricken Colorado, where golf course greens have been allowed to die, and wonder why Las Vegas is allowed to flaunt its resources. Locals who are told to turn off the spigot when they brush their teeth probably chafe at the sight of a new lake being built at Wynn Las Vegas or a T.I. lagoon built just for pirate battles. More than a few have asked themselves why they should bother to try to conserve water when the casinos obviously don't have to do the same.

Knappster can't imagine water officials telling the casinos to eliminate their fountains and such, even for the short term. For the good of the economy, they probably shouldn't. But local water authorities sure as hell better do a more persuasive sales job in explaining the inevitable exemptions when the time comes, because if individual residents don't get a sense that everyone is contributing during this water crunch, you can kiss goodbye any hope for a successful and sustained conservation program.

Stories to watch

As if local water folks don't have enough on their minds, they will soon have to do some explaining about the fancy financial footwork a few of them engaged in during the energy crunch that slammed the Western U.S. two years ago and cost consumers billions of dollars. Were some Nevadans in bed with the bad guys from Enron? Say it ain't so...The long-simmering fight over construction delays and cost overruns at the Regional Justice Center is likely to enter a brand new chapter very soon...By the time this issue hits the street, federal authorities will have been called on the carpet in the Crazy Horse Too investigation. A federal magistrate has just about had it with government explanations about the seizure of privileged files during an FBI raid on the topless joint back in February. The files, which are clearly marked as falling under attorney-client constitutional protections, were ordered returned several weeks ago, but are still in limbo at the time this column is being written. Look for fireworks in this tussle.

Names and faces

Producers of the Sci Fi network's "Scare Tactics" series, which is hosted by TV bad girl Shannen Doherty, left behind an unwanted pile of smelly gunk after a Las Vegas stunt. Occupants of the South Tech office complex on Industrial Road (it's home to Tommy Rocker's) say the show's producers rented an office for several days and pretended to be a business called Gen-Tech. It isn't exactly clear what sort of ruse they pulled on unsuspecting contestants, but whatever it was involved four large fish tanks filled with marine life. The reason neighbors know this is because the TV folks dumped the fish tanks in back of the office when they packed up to leave over the weekend. Dozens of octopi, squid and assorted fish were poured out into the lot and left to die. Hours later, it was one sticky mess. Animal control was called, but it was too late for them to do anything. Surrounding businesses say they hope the Sci Fi network hears about this and that the Nevada Film Commission will think twice about okaying any permits should this crew of jerks every return to town....noted scribe Steve Sebelius, who writes for this fine publication as well as others, has reluctantly admitted the error of his ways. Sebelius now acknowledges that he was wrong to say that no chef west of the Mississippi can compete with the lobster bisque created by hoity-toity Eastern food gurus. Chef Scott McCarter of 3950 at Mandalay Bay accepted the columnist's challenge and definitively demonstrated that Sebelius' knowledge of fine dining is probably comparable to his political acumen. Witnesses to this humbling event included Sebelius' rival pundit Jon Ralston and Knappster. Say what you will about Steve's culinary prowess, but his familiarity with distilled spirits is impressive. He is expected to demonstrate his prodigious consumptive abilities this Friday at the annual Mercury shindig...Also at Mandalay, a new attraction has quietly opened, but it isn't likely to stay quiet for long. Moorea Beach is a new and exclusive enclave adjacent to the resort's popular beach and wave machine. Moorea will likely end up as another Vegas playground for the rich and beautiful types. Sun worshippers who drop in are pampered by a ridiculously attentive staff as they dip into pristine pools, including one that sits right next to the bar and other, more private pools open only to cabana inhabitants. It isn't mentioned in any of the promotional literature, but one of the main attractions at Moorea is its "European" attitude, which means, in essence, that women can and do walk around topless. (A wise casino executive once observed that "no one brings their ugly girlfriend to Las Vegas," which should tell you all you need to know about this place.) Thankfully, Knappster did not personally witness any such unbridled behavior during my recent visit to Moorea, but I have been told about some of the celebrity party-types expected at the club in coming weeks. Local sophisticates will want to check the place out...Las Vegas Col. John Alexander, the retired Army intelligence expert known for his military analysis on local and national TV news programs, has written a follow-up to his book Future War. Alexander's new book, Winning the War, argues that the next world war has already begun, that it is a religious war, and that the steps needed to win it probably won't be taken. It isn't exactly a light, airy ready for a day at the pool, but it is something that serious people should probably acknowledge. The book is just arriving in bookstores and at Amazon.com...Former state Sen. Bill O' Donnell, who wisely bailed out of the legislative service after the 2001 session, is now enjoying life as a student. O'Donnell is attending classes at UNLV, working toward an MBA degree. No, he doesn't regret missing the nastiness of the 2003 session.