Thursday, August 28, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush: 'Noose is tightening' around Democratic candidates

WASHINGTON--Reassuring Americans that his top priority is making the United States safe from terror, President Bush said Thursday the "noose is tightening" around the 2004 Democratic presidential candidates who "threaten the very foundations of our democracy."

"These enemies of freedom can't hide for long," Bush said. "With the cooperation of the international community, the diligent work of the FBI, CIA and our brave military forces, men such as Howard Dean, Dick Gephardt and John Kerry are now in U.S. custody and no longer pose a threat to innocent Americans."

Bush added that U.S. forces were also closing in on Al Sharpton and Joe Lieberman, whom he said were likely employing disguises and body doubles to elude capture.

U.N. peacekeepers deployed to Target back-to-school aisle

LAKEWOOD, Colo.--In an attempt to quell intense skirmishes along the Trapper Keeper-Faber-Castell border, U.N. peacekeepers arrived late Monday at a Target store in suburban Denver. The forces sought to suppress widespread looting, pillaging and fighting brought on by extended weekend sales and a crush of last-minute shoppers.

"This whole place is in turmoil," said Gen. Daniel Opande, commander of U.N. forces. "Our immediate goal is to restore basic services and stop the rampant looting. We suspect the $10 rebate on JanSport backpacks and the two-for-one Crayola sale contributed considerably to the chaos."

Opande then ducked to avoid a barrage of backpacks, lunchboxes and pens launched by fussy soccer moms and their grade-schoolers. An armored personnel carrier later arrived, deploying troops who convinced combatants to take a "timeout" in the corner.

Poll: Area man about due for haircut

Four out of five people in his life believe area man Dennis Barnard is about due for a haircut, an informal poll revealed Friday.

"You're looking kind of shaggy there, hon," Barnard's wife, Debbie, told him before he left for work. "Maybe you should stop by SuperCuts after work tomorrow."

Barnard's co-worker Travis Merry agreed.

"What, you join a rock band or something, man?" he joked at the water cooler. "Looks like the ol' lawn is about to due for a trim."

Barnard's mother and sister also told the 36-year-old office worker that, respectively, he "was due for a little trim" and "is starting to look like a hippie."

That one dude at work thinking about quitting

Workers at Metalco Metal Finishing were stunned Thursday when Philip Counsell, that one quiet dude in anodizing who always keeps to himself, said he was "seriously thinking about chucking this whole working thing" and maybe riding his mountain bike across Australia.

"I'm totally serious," Counsell said. "If old man [Arthur] Sturdivant comes in here one more time and asks me where I put the deburring tool, I'm just gonna stand up, toss him my respirator mask and say, "You know what? You can eat me, asshole. First of all, I'm the only one who EVER oils the deburring tool before I put it back in its case. Okay? And secondly, you can eat me because I don't need this shit."

Though advised by co-workers to rethink his rash stance, Counsell said he had no choice but to honor his stated position.

"I'm sorry," Counsell said, "but you just don't treat people like that. You don't continually disrespect them. If he gets in my face one more time, I'm totally walking and I'll send you guys a postcard from Wellborn or something."