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Idiot Box Savant: Has-been boring-ass dates!

By Andrew Kiraly

Fasten your Bubble Tape seatbelts, Savant passengers, and prepare for some chew-tabulous turbulence: Reality TV is taking another dip into some serious suck territory. Yeah, questing to sate my raging appetite for reality TV, I was in an utterly degrading, barrel bottom-scraping mode the other night; my only companion a half-full box of Tropical Tornado Mike & Ikes (dude! for some reason, the anthropomorphized cartoon limes and pineapples on the front are wearing what look like Depends), I watched "Star Dates" (E! Network, cable channel 36, see www.eonline.com for times), which is like "Blind Date" meets "Joe Millionaire." It's like "Blind Date" in that the so-called star and the Regular Person are meeting for the first time on camera. It's like "Joe Millionaire" in that the Regular People are led to believe they're gonna hook up with someone rich and hot.

Instead, they meet up with Screech from "Saved by the Bell." Or Jill Whelan of "The Love Boat." Remember her? She was Capt. Stubing's lawn ornament/monstrous abomination muppet-child. Update! Now she makes jewelry and tries to sell it on the Home Shopping Network, which, I'm convinced, is the closest thing on this earth to the Catholic vision of purgatory, with Kathie Lee Gifford playing the dark overlord of the Starving Guatemalan Child Division.

Yes, this is what happens to celebs whose brief, bright light is extinguished by the cold, unforgiving cran-apple juice of fate: They go on field trips with mooky, mousse-slicked Hollywood strivers. No kidding: On a recent episode, Whelan actually dated this guy who once toured as the red Power Ranger. Of course, he tried covering up this little bit of fruitiness by growing a goatee and wearing earrings and trying to be a "playa." But no smoove-dude veneer can withstand the mighty pummel of the pop-up info graphic! Cower before its majesty! The info graphic tolls for thee! You once fairied around in a red tights for 6-year-olds!

"Blind Date" is at least marginally interesting because--if you're anything like me, anyway, which, if you're a reasonable human being, you should be--there's always the hope that the date will end in either explosive, tantric meat-slapping, verbal abuse or physical violence. At any rate, there's usually some payoff at the end, even if it's only host Roger Lodge offering up a few smirking lines from behind the tarp that is his artificially tan L.A. hide.

The problem with "Star Dates"? Dignity does it in. Yeah, all these fallen stars--whether it's Kim Fields ("Tootie" on "Facts of Life"), Gary Coleman or Dustin Diamond ("Screech" on "Saved by the Bell")--seem so intent on making the prog a showcase to prove how normal and dignified they are. If I wanted normal and dignified--which, for the record, I expressly do not--I'd watch Charlie Rose while nibbling on a Weight Watchers Smartwich. This whole dignity-mongering must stem from deep insecurities on the part of these yesteryear celebs, who must feel the crushing weight of the assumption our culture makes about burned-out stars: If they're not famous anymore, gee, they must be losers. Well, they're out to prove us wrong. The tragic side effect of this is not getting to see Kim Fields give up the booty. Instead, it's all polite air-kisses and beaming thank-youuuu-I-had-a-greeeaaaat-time-you're-so-sweets! Um, Kim, don't patronize. Not only was your date smart, funny and charming, but he makes three times what you do and doesn't have to work part-time at Sunglass Hut.

If this show's gonna fly, the celebs need to adopt the Savant's life motto and slut it up a bit. Jill Whelan's got some carriage. Set up a jacuzzi date and let the unsettlingly frothy waters fly! Stun the info graphic purveyors with your wanton harlotry!