Thursday, February 20, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Snubbed by U.N., NATO, Bush turns to PETA, WWF, NAMBLA

Hopes second-tier acronym groups endorse war with Iraq

WASHINGTON--Faced with a wary U.N. and snubbed by NATO, President Bush renewed his campaign of pressure against Iraq Monday, asking for the support of second-tier acronym organizations such as the WWF, NAMBLA, PETA and AAA.

"I call upon the international coalition of boy-lovers, animal activists and professional wrestlers to show a united front in the war on terror," Bush said. "We must send a strong message to Iraq that it must disarm or face serious consequences." Bush praised the "world community of specialized, somewhat relevant groups" in advance for their backing.

Most of the groups did not immediately pledge support, though NAMBLA President Bob Harrigan did express suspicion that Iraq was stockpiling chemical weapons in its YMCAs, and called for a "thorough probe."

Marital freeze still in effect after 'under-celebrated' Valentine's Day

The deep glacial freeze enveloping Steve Heinrich's marriage entered its sixth day Thursday as wife Gloria continued to punish him for a thoughtless, under-celebrated Valentine's Day.

The soured relations began with Heinrich's last-minute purchase of a four-inch white teddy bear clutching a red heart with the legend "I Love You Beary Much."

"I knew I was sunk the second Gloria pulled the bear out of the Sav-On sack," Heinrich recounted. "Her whole face just kinda hardened and fell at the same time. So I say, `Hey, honey, how about we try that new Italian place on Rainbow?' Nothing, just the dagger stare."

In retrospect, Heinrich wonders if his Valentine's card contributed to the hard feelings. "It probably didn't help that I signed it `Steve.' Maybe `Love, Steve' was the way to go there."

Weird albino man-child claims documentary 'distorts' him

NEVERLAND RANCH, Calif.--Angered by his portrayal in a recent network special as a spoiled, overgrown boy, eccentric albino child-monster Michael Jackson said at a press conference Thursday that he was "shocked and dismayed by the lies and distortions in the documentary."

"I was led to believe the piece would be a fair and accurate portrayal of me as a human being with real feelings," said the doe-eyed kabuki alien from his bed filled with squealing naked Vietnamese children, "but my trust was betrayed." The rubbery-looking chalk-white creature further expressed his anguish by taking a priceless Ming Dynasty vase and smashing it over his head.

Condom in wallet turns 2

An increasingly mocking testament to the woeful state of his sex life, the Trojan Ultra Sensitive condom in local man Craig Carlton's wallet celebrated its second anniversary Tuesday.

"Jesus, I'd never dreamed it'd make it past two months, let alone the two-year mark," Carlton said, nursing a beer in his apartment and forlornly studying the condom in its faded, crinkled packaging. "God, this is embarrassing."

Carlton originally began carrying the condom in 2001 when he was a college senior in marketing. Now with a 9-to-5 job at a startup PR firm, the prospects of him using the condom are even dimmer. Carlton later celebrated the anniversary by getting drunk and masturbating to "Wild On."