Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, February 20, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

A big wazzzzup to everyone! Miss me? I was on the sidelines for a bit, battling a nasty case of lumbago, but now I'm back, guns blazing! Hey...wait...it's a figure of speech! Don't run away! Darn, I knew these new photogray lenses made me look like Phil Spector...

Heh. Hope your Valentine's Day was as sizzling, sinful and erotically charged as Gov. Kenny Guinn's...wasn't! Yeah, my spies tell me the Guv dimmed the lights, uncorked a bottle of Pepto Bismol and curled up with his "other half"...the state budget. God, that thing's seen more stretching lately than Joan Rivers' cheeks! Seems like everyone wants a place at the table, but when it's time to pay the bill, they all start hemming and hawing...call it the Michael Mack approach to civic spirit.

At any rate, Guv, hope the Valentine's card I sent cheers you up. Nothing like a "naked fat lady in a party hat" novelty card to lift the spirits! I know you're gonna ask, so I'll get it out of the way: Yes, that is Assemblyman Bob Beers in a wig.

Meanwhile, I've been on the receiving end of quite a few Valentines myself. Let's take a peek in the mailbag...got a gas mask, flares, duct tape and plastic sheeting--from Tom Ridge, who writes on the card that "it is imperative Americans are prepared in case of a second season of 'The Anna Nicole Show'"...a live heart in an Igloo cooler from "American Idol's" Simon Cowell, who writes, "Take it. I've got no use for it"... also got a note from convicted hubby-killer Clara Harris. "Enjoy your marital therapy device," she writes. Huh? Well, whaddya know...there's a brand new Mercedes in the driveway! Finally, my longtime pal Michael Jackson sent an invite to his Neverland Ranch for a weekend of "special secret wrestling." Whoops! Wrong address...I'll forward this to the Happy Times Preschool down the street right away.

So what's up with all these new mega-strip clubs? They're huge! Heh, I certainly said that a lot on my recent trip to Sapphire, where a diorama of sex, money, greed and power played out (personal note to Dario: You pay them for the lap dance, not vice versa!) Could you ask for a more perfect preview of the 2003 Legislature? I think not!

Speaking of which, this is gonna be quite a year for politics. Some of the burning issues: Will privately owned Nevada Power be pried from the grip of Sierra Pacific Resources? And will the privately owned Nevada Legislature be pried from the grip of MGM Mirage resorts? Will Sen. John Ensign break down and buy a box of Just for Men? Or will he borrow one from Lt. Gov. Lorraine Hunt? Will Jon Ralston switch to decaf? And how many more souls will Senate Majority Leader Bill Raggio consume in his twisted quest for immortality?

Finally, will Nina Radetich acknowledge the trenchcoated figure outside her window? Nina, don't be afraid! I swear, lumbago's not contagious! Ciao!