Thursday, February 27, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush blamed for making France important again

WASHINGTON--History will judge George W. Bush unkindly, a panel of experts said Wednesday, not for his ruinous fiscal policies or his hubristic march toward war, but for allowing the laughably impotent nation of France to become important once more on the global stage.

"Through his ham-fisted diplomacy and bullying rhetoric, this president has done the unthinkable and allowed the bit actor that is France to assume center stage," said Karl Seelye, president of the American Society of Historians. "And once there, France will overact like a summer stock understudy.

"Even Clinton, as bumbling as he could be, never allowed the beaten dog of France to assume anything like a relevant role in global diplomacy," Seelye continued. "But now it's strident, self-important speeches, in French no less, for as far as the eye can see."

Mormon kid doesn't sound right when he cusses

Juvenile bravado seems forced, empty, say friends

SALT LAKE CITY--Despite increasingly peppering his talk with "goddamns," "shits" and "fucks" as he enters adolescence, area Mormon Darren Parshall's use of scatological language "just doesn't sound right," sources said Tuesday.

"He's just got this squeaky good-boy voice that makes him sound totally gay when he says something like 'Goddamn this sucks,' or calls someone a 'shit-for-brains,'" said fellow eighth-grader Carl Squires. "Or like the other day when he said he 'felt like shit' after P.E. You should have heard him. He was trying so hard to sound like a grown-up, it was pitiful."

Friends also said Parshall's tone and phrasing when using the terms "fuckface" and "suck-ass" badly need improvement.

Guinn unveils 'panhandling by freeway exit' budget fix

Frustrated by the impasse over how to mend the state budget, Gov. Kenny Guinn said Thursday that he's left with little choice but to head out to the U.S. 95 freeway exit near Bonanza Road and Rancho Drive to panhandle for money.

"Can you spare some change? God bless you," Guinn said, making up a story about how he ran out of gas and just needed a few dollars to get the nearest service station. Meanwhile, political consultant Pete Ernaut waited beneath the overpass, clutching a bottle of Thunderbird.

Nutrition label scoured for some justification for eating Sour Gummi Wormz

Feeling guilty after consuming a whole box of Sour Gummi Wormz in one sitting, local man Russell Withers scoured the box's nutrition label in hopes of finding some nutrient-based justification.

"Amazing. I just got a third of my daily recommended allowance of potassium," Withers said. "Who'd ever think Gummi Wormz had that? I mean, otherwise I'd have to go through the trouble of eating half a banana."

Withers also discovered that he got 3 percent of his daily allowance of vitamin C. "That's great. Otherwise, I'd have to take two whole sips of orange juice. Man, the advances they've made with modern candy are incredible."