Agnes Fliff

Thursday, February 27, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Preparing for terror attacks

pWhat steps should be taken for every citizen to prepare for a terrorist attack?

Preparation is all about planning. Designate a room in your house where you can take refuge. If the thought of well-organized, highly motivated suicide bombers launching an unprovoked chemical or biological weapons attack makes you shit, you should select a bathroom. Or at least a room with an easily hosed-down floor. Then kill your neighbor. Some prefer to wait until their neighbor is clawing the door of their safe room, begging, bleeding from the eyes, skin pustules erupting in rhythmic fashion so that it sounds like a Chihuahua is tap dancing on bubble wrap. But I think it's easier and more humane to make a pre-emptive strike. Next time we go to an Orange Alert, pick him off when he goes out for the paper. Otherwise, the terrorists win.

What supplies should be included in an emergency kit?

Food and water for three days, duct tape, blankets, flashlight, nicotine patches, magazines, (you'll be in the bathroom), vibrator, back-up vibrator, vibrator attachments, vibrating wand and spare batteries. Try to conserve space by choosing items that can serve more than one purpose, such as cucumbers.

Is Tom Ridge doing a good job as homeland security director?

You can't be serious. That beefy dreamboat is the only thing holding society together. Heartbreak Ridge, I call him. With his quiet strength and big boxy head, he's like Ben Affleck carved from a cube of pot roast. God, how I ache to have him. I want him to bind me with duct tape, slam my face into the headboard while he asks, "Who's your director of homeland security? Who's your director of homeland security?" I want to impale myself on his reassuring man-prong, over and over until, spent, my bones limp and tingly as Slim Jims, I fall asleep feeling safe and protected at last.