Thursday, January 02, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Friends wonder if burned CD qualifies as gift

SEATTLE--After another Christmas of pirated music, slimline cases and funky cover art, friends of Mathew Duffie are beginning to wonder if the man's admittedly labor-intensive burned CDs truly qualify as holiday gifts. Though appreciative of Duffie's musical knowledge and arty authenticity, more and more of the man's acquaintances are pining for the days of more traditional gifts.

"When I turned 30, Matt made me this incredible themed CD," said friend Clinton Setliff. "It was was this really meditative disc about getting older. It had some really cool songs on it like `Ooh-la-la' by The Faces and Pete Townshend's `Slit Skirts.' I know that's a lot of work and I appreciate it, but how about a book or a shirt now and then?"

Friend Earlene Gauldin is similarly torn by gratitude for Duffie's efforts and a creeping resentment of his thrift. "I got Matt 50 bucks worth of movie coupons," Gauldin said. "That's about 10 matinees. He gives me a CD of Third World Christmas songs. Yeah, I'll be listening that all year. How about a CD of something I'll actually listen to AND a gift card from Starbucks? I mean, spend a buck, for godsakes."

Man makes 12th annual 'I'll never drink again' resolution

New Year's Day hangover inspires decade of temporary abstinence

Burned CD

SYRACUSE, N.Y.--Clutching his aching head and popping Motrin as he remained sofa-bound on New Year's Day, Wayne Berard once again vowed to "never even look at another alcoholic beverage as long as I live," as he has for the past 11 years.

"This time I mean it," Berard said, as he has on past New Year's Days, sipping tomato juice. "I know, it took a hellacious hangover like this to finally teach me my lesson, but, believe me, I've learned. I don't need alcohol to have a good time."

However, sources say Berard's swearing off of alcohol is only part of his annual New Year's Day tradition. "Oh, he'll quit drinking, all right--for two weeks," said friend Michael Beirs. "I can guarantee he'll be completely bombed at my birthday party later this month. Wayne getting plastered and passing out in his own vomit on my front lawn is like a tradition."

First day back to school a class-stratifying exhibition of Christmas presents

The first day back to school at Cimarron-Memorial High School is a class-stratifying parade of Christmas presents and the family money behind them, according to an informal student poll released Wednesday.

"It's like a rule that you have to wear something you got for Christmas the first day back," said student Tracy Rowse. "It's not like you don't already know who the losers are, but the Christmas outfit is an elegant way of saying `My dad's way more successful than yours.'"

From Nelson Pettit's bitching new leather FUBU jacket to Lonnie Vales' rather sad, discontinued `Maui and Sons' T-shirt, students are exceptionally attuned to the new articles and their subtle gradations of social status.

"Even though it's way cold, you'll notice that Kristen Burghart is wearing a brightly colored summer sarong," said junior Monica Hart. "Normally that's heinous. But she's saying `look at my tan and remember that my family goes to the Virgin Islands for Christmas.' And that's cool."

"Dan Crowder wore short sleeves just so everybody could see his big fake Rolex," noted Eleanor Knepfler. "That, I'm afraid, is doubly uncool. And Lonnie's little shark with the sunglasses...I could just die."