Thursday, January 02, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Ain't Necessarily So: How Jews do X-Mas

By Dayvid Figler

Short of bah (let alone the humbug), we can agree that Christmas through Jewish (or any other non-Christian people's) eyes must be hazy. On one hand, there has been a global effort to convince the world that everyone should embrace Christmas not as the holiest day of the year for Christians, but as a warm-spirited time of giving and family that just happens to fall on the birth of Christ, the one and only true savior. On the other hand is a glove--one of those heavy iron ones so popular during the Inquisition and the Crusades--where despite winks to the contrary, it is abundantly clear why this is a day off from school, work, mail and most other vital functions in our allegedly secular society. Still, who wants to be a downer about Christmas? Next thing you know the AM radio will be filled with people ranting about how some degenerate "lefty" was trying to destroy our moral fiber by banning the divine right to celebrate the religious majority's main holiday. And really, who am I to throw a Grinchy wrench into the annual Who-ville festivities? What's next, getting the Creator off our currency? Changing the words of the Pledge back to their original form? Filing an anti-pine tree lawsuit on behalf of the ACLU?

No, I am proud to be an American, and if that means figuring out a way to embrace Christmas in my own special way, then so be it. In fact, Jews have been particularly adept at assimilation when it comes to this time of year. The seasonal appearance of Hanukkah has done much for making it the "Jewish Christmas." Indeed, one explanation for the widely accepted practice of calling the day "X-mas" is to make it sort of an inclusive umbrella (still it's always me who winds up getting wet). Thus, it should be no surprise that Las Vegas Jews have taken the holiday and attempted to carve out their own tradition.

On Dec. 24th this year, my friend Rifka and I went over to our friend Shlomo's house for an early dinner. Shlomo married a beautiful Finnish woman named Elke who decided to prepare a goose. Strange as it may seem, I have never had a goose before (insert own joke here). When the cooked bird arrived sizzling out of the oven, it was as if it was surrounded by its own applause for care in its preparation and exquisite joy it was about to bring to the tummies of the gathered. There was absolutely no religious connotation to this meal or the timing, but clearly had Shlomo married Esther as the Yenta had ordained, none of us would have been feasting on the bird this night, but instead would be primping for the next stop of the night--the annual Bagel Ball.

Each year on Christmas Eve, a couple of entrepreneurs convince a bar to remain open to accommodate about 200 to 300 local yids for a night of what is commonly referred to as--shmoozing. And so for the low, low price of $25, the "excluded" can find something to do and a club that is usually dead gets some unexpected clientele. Other cities have similar affairs. Some call it a Matzo Ball. Others a Jew Bash or a Dweeby Heeby Hop. Usually it's the same thing--a smattering of couples mixing it up with many, many singles looking for love under a four-hour gun. The early-goers are typically a touch long in the tooth and flush with spangles and gold chains.

Eventually, the median age drops as does the needle on the song "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang as the inspired DJ beseeches the crowd to get jiggy like the jelly on gefilte fish. After a few martinis it actually gets fun (in fact some people seemed to be reveling quite high--leading others to wonder if, while the faithful were putting "Christ" back into Christmas, there weren't some here putting the "X" back into "X-mas"). In the end, all righteous fun...looking forward to Christmas Day when I will join many of my fellow Semites around the planet in the festive "Chinese food and a movie" ritual. Merry X-mas to all, and to all a good night.

David Figler's new illustrated poem-book, "Merry Christmas, Jewboy," is available at www.lastgasp.com and www.powells.com.