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Knappster: Looking back at 2003

By George Knapp

As Jed Clampett might say, wheee, dawgies, 2003 was a heck of a ride, wasn't it?

Of course, the story of the year has to be the War in Iraq. It took American troops all of three hours to topple Saddam Hussein and install a government that is friendlier to Big Oil. Unfortunately, Saddam himself is still missing, joining Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, the anthrax mailer and Frodo Baggins on the list of high-profile fugitives still being sought by authorities.

President Bush, while insisting that his administration would never try to take political advantage of the conquest of Iraq or the War on Terrorism, told the huge crowd at a "Neener-Neener to A-rabs" rally that it is the duty of all Americans to remain blindly obedient to their government during times of crisis.

"It's simply unpatriotic to question this administration about anything at a time when they're may be eight or nine terrorists still on the loose somewhere," the president declared. "In particular, I think Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid should be publicly flogged for criticizing our plan to put $150 billion into researching a new Star Wars system. We're at war, people, war, and our defense contractors need those billions."

Buoyed by high approval ratings in 2003, Bush parlayed his military successes abroad into political victories at home. Instead of merely cutting capital gains taxes, he convinced Congress to abolish ALL taxes on the rich, even exempting the wealthy from paying auto registration fees at the DMV. "Rich people have been carrying the load far too long, and we can no longer rely on assorted loopholes to relieve them of their tax burden," a White House spokesman declared. "We are certain that when all taxes on the rich are eliminated, these generous robber barons will happily share their bounty with the less fortunate."

Embracing Yucca

Nevada Republican leaders invited Bush to visit the Silver State during June. GOP honchos assured the president that they would be totally behind him in the '04 campaign, despite the administration's decision to cram the Yucca Mountain project up Nevada's collective poop-chute.

"Look, we admit it, we've been pandering to public fears all these years," the politicos confessed. "Nuke waste won't really kill anybody, so you can't hold it against George Bush for sending it here. And even if it does end up killing a few people out in the sticks or poisoning a few underground aquifers, we'd still support him. He's a true friend to Nevada."

The Bush economic doctrine of tax cuts for the rich and higher defense spending led to record deficits in 2003, prompting an economic malaise that was felt even on the Las Vegas Strip. Tourism officials struggled to come up with new attractions to entice visitors. The overwhelming success of Mamma Mia at Mandalay Bay prompted casino owners to search for other musicals based on the works of '80s pop groups. "Venus--The Music of Bananarama" opened at the Venetian in July but closed six weeks later. The Excalibur then canceled a development deal with producers of a planned "Men Without Hats" stage spectacular.

The trend toward consolidation of gaming properties continued in 2003. MGM Mirage's purchase of Boyd Gaming, Park Place and Mandalay Resorts left only one other gaming operator on the Strip. Steve Wynn continued construction on his fabulous Le Reve and county commissioners did what they could to help. The commission declared the Le Reve property to be a special enterprise zone, completely free of all laws, regulations and codes. "Regulations can only be enforced against mortal beings anyway, so why even try?" a county spokesman said. "We had a ban on the creation of man-made lakes, but that didn't apply to Wynn. We had a ban on car sales on the Strip, but that also didn't apply to him. So what the heck, we just saved ourselves some time and exempted him from everything."

Fremont Street porn

Downtown Las Vegas continued to struggle. A multimillion-dollar facelift for the Fremont Street Experience failed to attract new crowds to downtown, so city honchos agreed to begin showing porno movies on the

gigantic TV screen. Fremont Street casino owners said they would need an infusion of $50 million in public money to make the technical transition, money which was transferred from the Widows and Orphans Fund.

"Widows and orphans are some of our best customers," a downtown spokesman declared. "And since they come down here, too, they need to pay their fair share to help keep the slot machines jingling."

In March, the Las Vegas City Council declared the Fremont Street Experience to be a "religious institution," which meant that downtown casinos were exempt from all taxation. "Fremont Street is a lot of things to a lot of people," the city attorney said. "It's a park, it's a recreational facility, it's a town square, and because of all the praying we've been doing that it won't embarrass us, we think it qualifies to be a church as well."

Mayor Oscar Goodman, who was re-elected in a landslide this year, also resumed his private career as an attorney. Goodman signed on to represent the Raelian Church, which hopes to open a cloning clinic on the 61-acre Union Pacific Railroad site. (Nevada Republicans endorsed cloning after realizing it was a way to perpetuate the species without anyone ever having sex again.) Goodman also argued on behalf of singer Celine Dion, who was charged with disturbing the peace after neighbors complained about the British Harrier warplane she's been using to travel back and forth to work.

Crackdown on sleaze

Shocked by assorted sleaze merchants and pimps operating in Southern Nevada, local officials launched yet another assault on adult businesses during 2003. Under the slogan "We're Really Serious This Time," officials took aim at escort services, swingers clubs and nudie bars. County Commissioner Yvonne Atkinson Gates proposed an ordinance that would limit the size of breast implants among topless dancers. After hearing opposition from influential club owners, the proposal was amended so it became legal for dancers to perform oral sex on customers.

Inspired by the success of sexually charged reality TV shows on other networks, the WB chose Las Vegas as the host city for its new reality program, "Celebrity Gang Bang," in which regular viewers get to bump uglies with well-known personalities. "We're not fooling around with any fake dating or implicit flirting or contrived situations," a WB producer said. "In this show, people will just get right to it. They'll have their clothes off in the first five minutes and will get down on the floor. We think it's the future of television."

Politics as usual

A highly touted plan to broaden Nevada's tax base was defeated in the 2003 Nevada Legislature. Although the state is hundreds of millions of dollars in the red, Nevada business leaders derailed the tax plan. "Our schools, our traffic situation, our air, our social services--we think things are just fine as they are and don't need any more money thrown at them," a Chamber of Commerce spokesman said. As usual, lawmakers claimed to have passed no general tax increases, although they did approve steep hikes in fees, licenses and "sin" taxes. A Nevada fishing license now costs $300 and cigarettes go for $85.50 per pack.

Nevada Power was able to dodge a bullet by lobbying lawmakers to kill a proposed public buyout of the electricity company. The campaign cost Nevada Power more than $20 million, but executives assured the public that none of this was ratepayers' money. "This was cash we made by selling Girl Scout cookies and by searching under the sofa cushions," a company executive claimed.

Nevada Democrats, stung by election losses a year ago, began rebuilding the party from the ground up by finding and grooming potential candidates. Sen. Harry Reid held a news conference to announce that TV pitchman Bitty Barr was his choice to challenge freshman congressman Jon Porter in 2004. "Bitty is a fresh face, has a high 'Q' rating, and, since he hasn't reached puberty yet, we're pretty sure we won't have to deal with any of the type of scandals that plagued previous candidates," Reid announced.