Thursday, July 03, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Goldberg: Happy birthday, America

By Tod Goldberg

Happy birthday, America. You look sharp. These last 227 years have been a friend to you--save for the economy, the last war, the war before that one, the Ashcroftian end of our civil rights and that utter lack of weapons of mass Republican Party destruction (Sorry, Sen. Lieberman...you ain't gonna cut it)--and as such I thought I'd dedicate this column to you. That's right, all of these words are in your honor and by that I mean there's nothing more American, more patriotic, more in the spirit of our original refugee forefathers than breaking down our entire culture into a meaningless list of things I've liked and hated during the first half of 2003. So enjoy, because this whole birthday present is 'tis of thee:

Best Five Books of the Year: At the end of the year, we here at the Merc pick all our favorite things and generally what happens is we forget the stuff that came out the first several months, so, in case I forget, these are my picks at the All-Star Break.

1. The Laws of Evening by Mary Yukari Waters. The most accomplished debut collection of fiction since Aimee Bender's The Girl in the Flammable Skirt, Waters' stories of post-World War II Japan resonate a deep and abiding passion for the transitive nature of memory and, like Austerlitz by W.G. Sebald, open a door into a world and people after they've lost a war. Powerful, moving and eloquent.

2. Unpaid Dues by Barbara Seranella. There's not a better female character in crime fiction than Seranella's Munch Mancini, and in this fifth installment of her best-selling series, readers get an even deeper glimpse into Munch's storied past. There's nothing cozy about Seranella's books and this is perhaps her darkest yet.

3. Moneyball by Michael Lewis. If you love baseball, or sports in general, this inside look at the operations of the Oakland A's is fascinating and educational, as well as being perhaps the most entertaining business book of the year.

4. Safe in Heaven Dead by Samuel Ligon. A bizarre and troubling novel written, essentially, backwards as we follow the path a dead man took to his fate. This is dark, brooding, coming-of-death fiction.

5. Beemerª by Glenn Gaslin. For all the angst-ridden folks who didn't know what to do after the world failed to end at the stroke of 2000, this is the answer. Equal parts Chuck Palahniuk and Jack Kerouac, this dark and laugh-out-loud road trip through the great mini-mall of America is the answer to your quest: brand yourself.

Worst Movie: Alex & Emma. I can't blame my wife for this one. I can't blame the crack movie-reviewing staff of this periodical (they said it sucked, too). I can only blame my self-indulgent need to see a novelist struggle through life until he gets to screw Kate Hudson.

Best Movie: It's been a lean six months...the only movie I'm still happy I paid full price to see is X-Men 2.

Worst Song I Downloaded from Kazaa And Then Burned to a Single CD: "Hey Deanie" by Shaun Cassidy.

Best Album I Downloaded a Month Before It Hits the Shelves: Strays by Jane's Addiction.

Best Book I've Read By Wil Wheaton: For those of you reading this column for the first time, let me inform you briefly of my nongay love of Wil Wheaton. The guy is cool. He's about my age, he's seen the heights of success, he's seen the lowest lows (an episode of "Tales from The Crypt" I saw recently on cable comes to mind) and he writes about it all on his weblog. Now, in his debut book Dancing Barefoot, he delves deeper into his personal life in five entertaining essays that span his professional and personal life. While a few of the essays try too hard to yank at the heartstrings and much of the prose is more suited for web writing than traditional print, the fantastic interaction between Wil and William Fucking Shatner (as Wil calls him) in the final essay is worth double the cover price. Wheaton is a promising writer who must still harness the difficult talents of pacing and drama, though I believe honestly that if he continues to write nonfiction he could have a far more successful career in publishing than he ever had aboard the Enterprise. The world needs a former-child-star-David Sedaris.

Best Conversation I Had With Andrew Kiraly While We Were Writing a Book That May Never Come Out:

Me: Okay, so you're going to cover the fetish scene, right?

Andrew: Uh, no. I thought you were covering the fetish scene.

Me: Oh. Do you think I can just make that part up?

Andrew: Probably.

Me: Done.

Worst Interaction I Had With a Celebrity: At the L.A. Times Festival of Books, the following conversation occurred, verbatim and in full, as I sat beside Tom Arnold and signed books for my adoring fans:

Me: Hi.

Tom Arnold: What?

Me: I said, "Hi."

Tom Arnold: Oh, yeah. Hi.

Me: (two hours later) Bye.

Tom Arnold: Huh?