Thursday, July 10, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Austria forgets America's birthday for second year in a row

Perhaps signaling strains in their time-honored friendship, Austria "forgot" America's birthday for the second year in a row Friday, offering neither a gift nor a call on the U.S.'s special day.

"Austria was a very conspicuous no-show at the July 4 kegger," partygoer Cameroon said. "Trust me, Austria never turns down free beer, so you know something's up. I just hope there's not a chick involved, cause these guys used to be serious buds."

Some nations had suggested Austria would overcompensate for the lapse in protocol with a late but lavish gesture. Instead, deliberately calling when he knew America wouldn't be home, Austria left the following voice mail: "Yeah, dude, sorry we missed your thing last night. The wife had a...family deal...with, umm...you know, some health issues. So, anyway, heard it was a rager. Happy birthday, bro."

Compounding the insult, Austria sent a generic Shoebox Greetings "Boy, Was I Stupid" belated birthday card that didn't arrive until July 8. Inside was a modest $25 gift certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Tellingly, the card bore no personal inscription and was signed, "Regards, Austria."

David Faustino wondering when David Faustino fan site will be updated

SANTA MONICA--David Faustino, best known for playing Bud Bundy on the sitcom "Married...with Children," wondered Thursday when the only David Faustino fan website would be updated.

"The 'Faustino Sightings' link hasn't been changed for two months," he said. "Any diehard David Faustino fan knows I could have been spotted lunching with Mindy Cohn [who played Natalie on "The Facts of Life"] at Zabarr's Bistro two weeks ago.' Sheesh. And the 'David Faustino Weekly Word Search' is the same one from six weeks ago! This kind of shoddy work really reflects badly on all David Faustino fan sites."

The actor later wrote an angry e-mail to the site, signed "A Hardcore Faustino Addict!!!"

Net anti-porn filter vigorously tested

TAMPA, Fla.--In a tireless afternoon quest for online pornography Tuesday, 16-year-old Josh Schweigert vigorously tested the new Cyber Sitter filtering software installed by his parents on the family computer.

"This shit isn't messing around," Schweigert said as he typed into Google yet another variation of terms such as "xxx," "action" "free" and "hot," only to be confronted once again with a dreary list of educational sites.

"I already tried the whole sideways method, where you visit a bikini babe site hoping there'll be a link to something good like smuthut.com or even 'Girls Gone Wild' clips, but I can't even score decent cleavage. The closest I got was a site about the mating habits of bonobo monkeys."

Schweigert later settled for masturbating to E!'s "Wild On."

Firecracker-exploding-in-hand ritual played out across nation

As families across the country celebrated Independence Day Friday with fireworks and barbecues, the nation's youth participated in a time-honored ritual of their own as they suffered minor injuries from firecrackers exploding prematurely in their hands.

"It just doesn't feel like the Fourth of July till a Black Cat goes off just as your arm's cocked to throw," said 13-year-old Ted Kinnear of Roanoke, Va., as he nursed his throbbing right hand in a bag of ice. "The sudden bang, the shock of realizing what just happened, the weird tingling that slowly gives way to mind-blowing pain...it's like, 'Yeah, now it's the Fourth of July.'"

Greg Nadal, 17, of Bend, Ore., agreed. "I was down to my last four Whipcracks and thought it wasn't going to happen this year," he said, grounded to his room, his left hand wrapped in a damp towel. "Second to last one, no kidding, blam! A Fourth without hand injuries is like a Fourth without hot dogs."