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Thursday, July 31, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Straight edge

Bravo's wildly popular "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" has already spawned a host of imitators. Next Monday, TNT premieres "The Passing Zone," where two straight dudes have 24 hours and $1,000 to remake a closeted gay man's living space before his parents visit. In the first episode, hosts Pete Campas and Jimmy Rohn tackle the tasteful and elegant Chicago apartment of investment counselor Tai Morrison.

PETE: Okay, Tai, you ready to get started?

TAI: Yep, the place is yours.

PETE: Okay, what's that over the fireplace?

TAI: Umm, it's a Kasimir Malevich lithograph. It's called "Complex Presentiment: Half Figure in a..."

JIMMY: Well, it should be called, "Welcome to Tai's Special Fisting Dungeon."

TAI: Really?

PETE: Yeah, lose it. I'm thinking maybe a Brian Urlacher jersey...and...

JIMMY: I can see that. Signed. In a nice Lucite frame.

PETE: Exactly. You like the Bears, Tai?

TAI: Umm, I guess.

PETE: You guess? What does that mean?

TAI: Well, I think they're marvelous athletes.

PETE: Okay, we lose the jersey. That's all right, nobody panic. We've got time.

JIMMY: You know, a Nagel print might work.

PETE: HELLOOOO!

JIMMY: Topless brunette with headband?

PETE: No. Too Pat Benatar-y.

JIMMY: Sitting blonde with elbow on knee, blouse pooching open to expose nipple?

PETE: That's the one. No matte. Cheap black frame.

TAI: Okay, I don't know about the nipple. My mom's sort of...

PETE: You can't hide everything from her, Tai.

JIMMY: Tell you what, I'll go recon the kitchen...you guys finish in here.

PETE: That works. Okay, Tai, what's with the urn?

TAI: Well, it's just a little something I got at Pottery Barn, sort of a Tuscan...

PETE: No, I mean the shit sticking out of it.

TAI: The dried flowers?

PETE: Gone.

TAI: And replace them with?

PETE: Write this down. Lacrosse stick...novelty putter...12 pounds of loose change.

JIMMY: PROBLEM!

PETE: I don't want to hear that.

JIMMY: We've got matching plates in here!

PETE: Oh, Jesus. How bad is it?

JIMMY: Well, they're like these giant black squares and the sides come up all angled and shit.

PETE: Tai, you're killing me. All right, Jimmy, I need you to grab us about eight of those white Lean Cuisine plastic plates off the truck. Get the ones that are gray from too many dishwasher cycles.

JIMMY: I'm on it.

PETE: And then check out the bathroom.

JIMMY: Okay, but there's a springform pan in here too.

PETE: What's wrong with you? Do you just want to get caught?

TAI: No, I...

PETE: Okay, I can live with most of this furniture but what's with the weird angles?

TAI: I was just trying to break up...

PETE: Let's push everything against the wall and create one giant empty space in the middle.

TAI: Okay.

PETE: Now, Tai, I think you and I had talked about a futon earlier...

TAI: Oh, God.

PETE: But now that I see the space...I'm thinking off-white sofa from Rent-A-Center.

TAI: Off white? Okay, but I will not go Southwestern. That's my only...

PETE: Well, you're tying my hands here. Okay, just an off-white sofa with tasteful accents.

TAI: Like?

PETE: Well, where'd you go to school?

TAI: Uh, Michigan State.

PETE: There you go right there. Alumni booster blanket in Spartan green with a white Block S to pull it all together.

TAI: But that's sort of a stark white.

PETE: Are you ready to have the big talk with the folks, Tai?

TAI: Umm, no.

PETE: Then you need to trust me. Jimmy, how's the bathroom look?

JIMMY: Two words. Re-sculpting cream.

PETE: You always got to push it, don't you, Tai? Dump everything. We'll get a single bottle of Suave shampoo, pour it out and fill it halfway with water.

TAI: Why?

PETE: When your folks get here, you shake it up and you've got a perfectly good shampoo. Jimmy, wrap up in there and we'll meet you in the bedroom.

TAI: Okay, well it's just down this hallway.

PETE: JESUS CHRIST! What's this?

TAI: What? It's just a Herb Ritts print.

PETE: And you bought this why? Because Prints Plus was out of the flashing neon QUEER sign?

TAI: No, I just like the whole...chiaroscuro...feel...

PETE: Okay, Tai, this is like handing your parents a copy of The Advocate...with you on the cover...wearing a butt plug.

TAI: All right, all right. I'm not wedded to it.

PETE: You would be if this were Canada.

TAI: Okay, but what's going to be on this wall?

PETE: Umm, paint?

TAI: Well, I just think it needs something.

PETE: All right, hang on. Jimmy, what do we have on the truck in a tasteful print?

JIMMY: Oh, gosh...uh...Girls of Budweiser Super Bowl promotional poster?

PETE: That could work.

JIMMY: If you wanna go retro, we've got "Hauling Ass," with the five chicks in thongs straddling the crotch rockets.

PETE: Let's go with that. That way you get the back view of the little Lycra kitty pouch. Okay, let's look at this bedroom.

JIMMY: It's not that bad.

PETE: You know what, you're right. This isn't killing me. You need to quit making up your bed, but otherwise...

TAI: Thank you.

JIMMY: Hang on, what's with the big Chinese lacquered box thing?

TAI: Oh, that's my hamper.

PETE: What's that?

TAI: You know, a hamper.

JIMMY: Seriously, what is it?

TAI: You know, a hamper, where you put your dirty clothes.

PETE: Are you screwing with us, Tai? 'Cause we don't have time for this.

TAI: It's a big box where you put your dirty clothes.

PETE: Is this a gay thing?

JIMMY: Are these new?