Thursday, June 05, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Study links violent video games, fun

WASHINGTON--Confirming long-held suspicions of parental watchdog groups, a study published Thursday in the American Journal of Public Health found a link between violent video games and fun.

"This is no longer just a supposition," said Dr. Joyce Kearns, the study's director. "Video games featuring graphic depictions of violence such as shootings and stabbings clearly and unequivocally cause fun. And long-term exposure to such games can result in extreme feelings of intense enjoyment, also known as 'having a goddamn blast.'"

Kearns added that she is working on another study that examines a possible link between beer and sex.

Car dealer in TV ad really like that in person

Brad Kuffle, the boorish, fast-talking, gratingly enthusiastic Plymouth car dealer who frequently styles himself as "The Dealmaker" in TV ads, is really like that in person, sources confirmed Wednesday.

"Geez, I thought the whole rapid-fire, super-schmoozy thing was just a TV gimmick," said customer Tania Millay, who was shopping for a new minivan. "But as soon as I set foot on the lot, there's Brad doing his nasal 'Looks like you came to talk to The Dealmaker, babe!' just like on TV."

Millay added that Kuffle even threw in his trademark "We'll beat any price or I'll eat the difference!" while making imaginary guns with his hands.

"I was so embarrassed for him," she said. "Just imagine what his family has to go through."

Malone grounded by wife

In a brief press conference held in his bedroom, former County Commissioner Lance Malone confirmed Thursday that he has been grounded by his wife, Rosemary, as a result of the FBI's ongoing public corruption probe.

"While I categorically deny that I have been cooperating with the FBI in its investigation, I can confirm that I have been totally busted by my wife and grounded to my room for two weeks," Malone said in a prepared statement. "No Playstation, no TV, no Rollerblading until my name is cleared. How lame is that?"

Malone added that his wife had overlooked revoking his cell phone privileges, allowing him to hide under the covers and text-message friends that "THIS SUX." The former commissioner then asked if someone could sneak him some Totino's Pizza Bites from the freezer.

Fugitive can't believe police went with that picture

OLATHE, Kan.--Accused serial killer Dale Lee Cook, idly watching TV in his Days Inn hotel room, was shocked Tuesday to see that police had chosen an unflattering picture of him from an old fishing trip to distribute among the media in their ever-widening manhunt.

"Jesus Christ, how do you pick that one?" an enraged Cook demanded of the TV as he bolted from his seat and paced the room. "Look at me there, all shirtless and sunburned. I look all fat and feminine and shit. Hell, I'd been drinking for a week and had about five days of beard growth. Of course I look like the kind of guy who's gonna kill hitchhikers."

While the release of the picture suggested police were tightening their dragnet, Cook was nonetheless fixated on the police's curious and humiliating choice of photos.

"Okay, they obviously found my underground torture room or they wouldn't have that picture," Cook theorized. "But once you're there, you've got six or seven good pictures to choose from. How about the prom picture? Or that one in my Marine uniform? Christ, even the shot of me passed out at Danny's bachelor party would have been better."