Thursday, June 12, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Sosa mistakenly reached for `special cheating' bat

CHICAGO--Trying to redeem himself in the eyes of his adoring but now heartbroken fans, Chicago Cubs outfielder Sammy Sosa explained that he had inadvertently reached for his "special cheating" bat during the first inning of Monday's game against Tampa Bay.

"I know that I have a lot to answer for, but I hope my fans will understand that this was just a simple mistake," the beloved slugger said during a press conference at Wrigley Field. "I mistakenly grabbed the special cheating bat when I meant to select a regular bat. I take all the blame, although some will be reserved for a bat boy who has repeatedly claimed to understand my very simple system of marking the cheating bats."

Sosa said "good old common sense" suggests that his selection of the corked bat was accidental.

"Look, I have four or five of these special bats that I only use when the game has made clear that cheating is necessary. I would never knowingly select a cheating bat in the top of the first inning, when the need to defraud my fans and competitors is still uncertain."

Martha Stewart retreats to dank subterranean lair

NEW YORK--As she registered her distaste for insider trading charges with an inhuman howl, domestic lifestyle guru Martha Stewart shambled to her dank subterranean lair Thursday, rolling a large boulder into place behind her.

"Martha no like accusation!" Stewart said as she grabbed one of the sheep she keeps penned in her damp underground cave. "Martha want left alone by gray suit man from white important buildings!"

The former CEO and chairman of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia then forced the bleating sheep into her sharp tooth-filled maw, crushing its still-struggling body in her powerful reptilian jaws. Stewart threw her head back and howled again in the throes of raw, primal fury and declined further comment.

McDonald slashes prices for favors

Clearance sale offers 'outrageous' bargains, ousted incumbent says

Facing the end of his career in city politics, City Councilman Michael McDonald offered "can't-miss, one-time-only" bargains on zoning variances, liquor licenses and other political favors for the rich and powerful in a high-energy TV commercial that began airing this week.

"We're liquidating the store! Everything must go!" a voice-over by McDonald said as a graphical explosion gave way to the words "TOTAL LIQUIDATION SALE" in large block lettering.

McDonald then appeared on the screen, dressed as Uncle Sam and gesturing wildly. "This sale won't last," he said, "so come on down today! We got backroom deals! Favors for rich cronies! Back-scratching for power players, movers and shakers! No credit? No problem! IOUs are available through the middle of this month! You can't fight City Hall, but you can still buy it!"

The outgoing councilman then threw two handfuls of $20 bills into the air and threw a salute.

Goodman can't remember what he's still celebrating

More than a week into a gin-fueled bender at The Saloon at Neonopolis, a drunken, disheveled Mayor Oscar Goodman couldn't remember what he was still celebrating Tuesday night.

"Uh...wha? I, uh, think I was electing the celebrating results. Er, wait, no. Maybe it was the downtown redevelopment thing with the buildings and culture and stuff. Go redevelermentatiooo!" he said, trailing off into an incoherent slur. "Or maybe it was someone's birthday. Is it anyone's birthday here? Happy happy birthday!"

Goodman later woke up in the bathtub in a hotel room at the El Cortez, missing a kidney.