Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, June 12, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

Geez, what's up with this weather? I've been sweatier than Michael Mack in the VIP room at Cheetahs! In the past few weeks, I've wanted nothing more than to escape the heat (that's about all Lance Malone and I will ever have in common), so Mort decided to flee the triple-digit temperatures by heading to Carson City and covering this never-ending special session of the Legislature. Yeah, Vegas may be hellish in the summer, but the special session offers a glimpse of purgatory--an exquisitely excruciating waiting game whose full effect comes through when you, oh, say, get stuck in the elevator between Assemblyman Bob Beers and Assembly Minority Leader Lynn Hettrick. Yikes! Yeah, I would've taken the stairs, but that tends to be Sen. Mark Manendo's hunting grounds. The man's like a Venus flytrap! Get too close to one of his sensitive filaments and the man's triggered into a frenzy of grabbing hands. Watch the buttocks!

Otherwise, the mood up here is mixed. Some feel upbeat, confident and in control (lobbyists), while others feel used, exhausted and abused (legislators). The only exception is Senate Majority Leader Bill Raggio, whose weekly oil change and hard drive defragmentation keep the evil robot overlord fresh and focused. If only there was some agreement-on-the-tax package beam he could fire to wrap this thing up. Indeed, I'm surprised Democrats and Republicans still haven't found some common ground on education. I mean, really, do we want bare-bones Nevada schools that just churn out mindless worker-drones trained to do nothing but the most menial tasks? We must ask ourselves: what kind of Las Vegas would we have then? Why, it'd be a cultureless void filled with strip malls, chain restaurants and locals casinos, which...um, wait. We already have that anyway. Never mind. In that case, bring on more Applebee's workers! I ordered those fajitas a half-hour ago!

Heh. Seriously, though, such developments are not surprising, considering the trend. After all, Southern Nevada just voted down another library bond. I took a brief, informal poll and found that supporters of the proposal were understandably dismayed, while those against it...well, they grunted in fear and shambled away to their caves when I approached on two legs. That said, even I could've predicted Janet Moncrief's victory over Michael McDonald. I mean, the guy's had more ethics scandals than...well...er...gee, I guess he is the standard. Ciao!

Sightings

Martha Stewart at Winchester Community Center, teaching a class on how to knit a tasteful, elegant prison jumpsuit. ...Fifteen Assembly Republicans being chased by one Gov. Guinn wielding a nail-studded stick. ... Sammy Sosa being chased by thousands of Chicago Cubs fans wielding nail-studded corked bats. ... Lance Malone "absolutely not cooperating" at the local FBI office.

Non-sightings

Iraq weapons of mass destruction.