Thursday, June 19, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Ashcroft asks Congress for superhuman powers

WASHINGTON--Concerned that terrorists are already exploiting loopholes in the Patriot Act, Attorney General John Ashcroft appeared before Congress Tuesday to demand that he be invested with "superhuman powers to rival those of the comic book realm."

"Unchain my powers, damn you," Ashcroft demanded of the House panel. "Let me soar atop the stratosphere with meager sound trailing behind me. Let fluid bolts of super-heated plasma fly from my fingertips. Let the fury of my breath roil the mighty oceans and hurry the changing seasons.

"Look upon me, weaklings, and tremble at my might," Ashcroft thundered when questioned about the projected costs of such powers. "Who are you to deny me the mythic power of the gods? Now grant me invisibility, so I might move unseen, like a whisper, among my enemies. Grant me X-ray vision, so that hidden worlds are revealed to my imperious gaze. And allow me to pass through solid objects as though they were mere columns of air."

Moncrief pretty sure City Hall is around here somewhere

New Ward 1 City Councilwoman Janet Moncrief is pretty sure City Hall is "around here somewhere," she told herself as she navigated the streets of downtown Las Vegas Wednesday morning.

"Dammit, I know I saw it just a couple weeks ago when I took Aunt Verna to see the Fremont Street Experience," she said, growing desperate as 9 a.m. approached. "Big brown building with the bridge-thingie...big brown building with the bridge-thingie. Don't freak, Janet. I swear it's got to be around here somewhere. Wait, maybe it's north of the freeway."

Moncrief flipped a U-turn on Las Vegas Boulevard at Stewart Avenue and headed toward the Sawyer State Office Building. "Look out, City Hall," she said. "Here comes Janet Moncrief!"

Stupid-ass intern fails fourth attempt to print on letterhead

CHICAGO--For the fourth goddamn time in, oh, about 20 minutes, the new dumb-ass intern at the Horowitz & Lieder law firm failed to print a simple memo on company letterhead Thursday. It became increasingly clear that the new intern Willam Martsch's prospects of lasting out the summer were about as slim as snow in July.

"Fifth time's a charm, huh?" Martsch said, laughing nervously as he inserted another page of the firm's letterhead, which isn't exactly cheap, into the printer. "Okay, I think I've got the thing oriented the right way this time. The last one came out right-side up, just on the wrong side of paper. So if I stick it in like this, that should do the trick."

The simpering, overeager college freshman then made the brilliant move of putting the sheet into the main paper tray instead of--hello shithead!--the bypass tray, resulting in it being printed upside down on the fifth--the fucking fifth--piece of letterhead. The office manager, apparently whose job it is nowadays to babysit the summer interns, later took over the daunting project.

Unnecessarily large fistful of napkins grabbed

Taco Bell customer Darren Huitt, participating in a classic fast-food consumer ritual, grabbed an unnecessarily large fistful of napkins with his order Thursday afternoon. Though his two chalupas, three chicken soft tacos, Burrito Supreme and chicken quesadilla required only about three napkins, the local man expressed bafflement at the stack of 15 on his tray when questioned by his 13-year-old daughter.

"Hm. I never actually thought about it before. It's just habit to grab that many, I guess," he said to his daughter Jennifer. "Maybe it's some unconscious thing where I'm assuming there'll be some major Pepsi spill that I should be prepared for."

Huitt later reconsidered the 17 hot sauce packets he'd grabbed.