Agnes Fliff

Thursday, June 19, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Sidebar with Agnes Fliff

Facts on Wal-Mart morality

Wal-Mart announced plans to conceal the covers of women's magazines like Cosmo, Glamour and Redbook. What's going on?

The retail behemoth is concerned that photos of scantily clad celebs might offend customers. But here's a news flash: Glimpsing Halle Berry in a strapless evening gown isn't offensive. Watching some manatee wearing a tube top and a pair of Daisy Dukes that are being chewed up by her ravenous assfat as she waddles through housewares, popping out her dentures in a playful manner to try to quiet her screaming brood of snot-nosed waterheads, now that's offensive. Conceal customers, not magazines.

Is this part of Wal-Mart's ongoing trend to try to influence morality?

In the past, Wal-Mart has refused to sell CDs with explicit lyrics and they've pulled all their lad mags like Maxim. But hiding the covers of Cosmo and Glamour is going too far. How the heck am I supposed to know when one is offering 10 shortcuts to achieving mind-blowing toe-curling orgasms? I'm a busy person, I need those freakin' shortcuts. FYI, I used to think I was multi-orgasmic but it turns out I only get the hiccups when I'm drunk.

Is Wal-Mart overstepping some sort of ethical boundary?

A. Hey, their store, their rules. But it does seem hypocritical that while corporate policy tries to squelch any hint of sexuality, their store greeters put it out there on display 24/7. Have you seen how some of those guys fill out their Hagar slacks? Hubba-hubba!

Where should consumers voice their complaints?

Maybe it's just me, but there's something irresistible about a man who asks how I'm doing, yet wouldn't hesitate to rifle through my purse if I make a wrong move. That combination of civility and raw suspicion is heady stuff. And the languid way they look at you--maybe it's the cataracts--it turns my bones to jelly. Plus, you know what they say about guys who wear vests: "Once you go sleeveless, you'll forget everyone previous." Well, bend me over and urge me to come again, Grandpa Walton. I'm all yours.