Thursday, June 26, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Clark County schools implement $5 cover charge

Budget crisis also forces two-snack minimum

Amid a school budget shortfall and an impasse in the Legislature, the Clark County School District began charging a $5 cover at all public schools Monday. The new charge, which applies to teachers, administrators and students, is supplemented with a two-snack minimum, firmly enforced by bouncers in the multipurpose rooms.

"The future of education in Nevada demands innovative approaches," said Superintendent Carlos Garcia, stamping the hands of fourth-graders at William R. Lummis Elementary as they filed in, money clenched in their tiny fists. "With this groundbreaking program, we'll stay open through the end of the year, as long the turnout is good and concession sales hold steady. Revenue will definitely pick up when the coin slots are installed on the water fountains next week."

Garcia then told an inquiring fourth-grader that, no, he was not on the guest list.

Rowling, Satan pleased with first-week Harry Potter sales

GEHENNA CROSSING, Hell--Proving the magic of the acclaimed children's book series is still strong, first-week sales of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix topped 1 million, much to the delight of author J.K. Rowling and her sponsor, Satan.

"We are most pleased that our infernal dominion continues to spread across Earthrealm like a plague, in the innocuous guise of a children's book about a young wizard, no less!" the Dark Prince bellowed from his flame-crowned throne in the depths of Hell. Rowling stood nearby, noisily consuming the flesh of the damned.

"I cannot stress enough the importance of reading to my young minions of the mortal plane," Satan added. "Drink deeply of the fifth book's whimsical world of magic and occult intrigue, my youthful demon charges, dabble in spellcasting, feed the dark forces within you, and you shall smite your mothers and fathers with vengeance!"

Satan later held Fun Time Reading Hour with a class of kindergartners.

Spam read

Byron Water Purifier Co. office manager Dale Aument opened and completely read Wednesday a spam e-mail promising to add no less than two inches to his penis.

"This one actually sounds like it has some real science behind it," Aument said as he scrolled through the message--with the subject heading "Get a MONSTER ROD"--promoting herbal supplement Proverna, which claimed to "increase your pleasure--and hers--in less than a week!"

"I mean, check this out. Apparently this herb stimulates your abdominal muscles to contract more often, resulting in increased blood flow to the genital region, resulting in a thicker, longer erection," Aument said. "Kind of makes sense when you think about it."

Aument later spent $79.99 on harmless fiber pills manufactured in Guam.

Hume Cronyn remembered as...ummm...well...

FAIRFIELD, Conn.--The legendary Hume Cronyn was laid to rest Friday as mourners grappled with sadness, loss and the exact origins of his legend. Cronyn was dimly remembered as someone who gave generously of his largely forgotten talents and who may have been famous at some point.

"Hume was a great American," said longtime acquaintance Jack Valenti. "And if not American, then certainly someone who came to love his possibly adopted land. Emerging from what I would assume were meager beginnings, Hume would soon scale the heights of...highness...in his chosen field. And I'm guessing he retained the common touch even after he maybe got well known.

"Can any of us say we ever truly know a man? Certainly not in Hume's case. For he belonged to a bygone era. Very bygone. Really, really bygone. A time when a man was measured by different measurements than we use today. But whatever it is that Hume did, he did it well. I'm almost certain of that."