Thursday, June 26, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Love, honor and obey

According to Reuters, a girl from the Indian village of Khannan was married off to a stray dog last month under a tribal custom meant to protect the girl from evil. In a solemn religious ceremony before more than 100 guests, the bride, Karnamoni Hasda, exchanged vows with a tri-colored mongrel known only as Bachchan. With the relationship foundering just four weeks later, the young couple has agreed to seek marriage counseling.

COUNSELOR: Hey, guys, I'm sorry I kept you waiting. Please, have a seat.

HASDA: Thank you.

COUNSELOR: Bachchan, you're welcome to sit in a chair.

BACHCHAN: That's all right. I'm good here.

COUNSELOR: Okay. Well, uh, what brings you guys in today?

BACHCHAN: Don't ask me. This whole thing's her idea.

COUNSELOR: Well, but I'm asking both of you.

BACHCHAN: She'll cure you of that.

HASDA: Oh, there's a little dig. Always with the di...

COUNSELOR: Okay, let's start over. Karnamoni, why don't you tell me why you called me last week?

HASDA: I don't know...I just...I'm guess I'm just not very happy.

COUNSELOR: Okay. Bachchan, how does that make you feel?

BACHCHAN: Look, this is the first I've heard about this. I thought things were going great.

COUNSELOR: Your wife is sitting here telling us that she's unhappy and you think things are great? What does that say about your level of communication?

BACHCHAN: Gee, a woman marriage counselor and the husband's already on the defensive. Imagine that.

COUNSELOR: Nobody's talking about blame here. We're just trying to explore Karnamoni's feelings.

HASDA: I just feel really isolated, you know? I mean, even when Bachchan's there, I feel really alone.

BACHCHAN: Oh, that's nice. Thanks.

HASDA: There's just no real affection between us. I mean, Bachchan accepts affection, but he never really initiates it.

BACHCHAN: Nuh uh, I'm not sitting still for that one. Two weeks ago when you were sick, who came up and put his head in your lap and gave you the sad eyes?

COUNSELOR: Karnamoni?

HASDA: No, he did. And it was really sweet. But even then, I had to pet HIM.

BACHCHAN: Do you see how I can't possibly win here? Nothing's ever...

COUNSELOR: All right, so it sounds like there's a problem with intimacy?

HASDA: I guess.

COUNSELOR: Well, a lot of things can affect that. For instance, how are your finances?

HASDA: Things are pretty tight right now.

BACHCHAN: Well. who HAD to have the big wedding? I said, why don't we just elope? But no, somebody had to be "Rani for a Day." 120 guests...none of them from my side of the family, mind you.

COUNSELOR: I can see how that might...

HASDA: It's not just the money. I mean, it's a lot of things.

COUNSELOR: Tell me one.

HASDA: Okay, for instance, he doesn't do anything to help out around the house.

BACHCHAN: Okay, wait a minute. That place was INFESTED with rats when I got there.

HASDA: That's true. He did kill the rats.

BACHCHAN: There you go. But do I get any points for that? No!

HASDA: But he brings them inside after he kills them. I mean, who does that?

COUNSELOR: I'd say somebody with a lot of anger.

BACHCHAN: Oh, for the love of Krishna.

HASDA: He sleeps all day and he's out all night with his friends.

BACHCHAN: Well, who lets me out?

HASDA: I let you out to do your business.

COUNSELOR: What business is that?

BACHCHAN: I'm in waste removal, and I do some security on the side.

HASDA: Pfff.

BACHCHAN: What does that mean?

HASDA: Nothing.

BACHCHAN: Do you hear how she undermines me?

COUNSELOR: I, uh...

BACHCHAN: About a week after we're married, this total stranger shows up on our front lawn. So I go out to confront him, right? She comes out and "apologizes" for my behavior. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?

COUNSELOR: I think a lot of young husbands can feel pretty emasculated in the early...

BACHCHAN: That's kind of a sore subject. Let's move on.

HASDA: That was for your health, Bachie.

BACHCHAN: Whatever.

HASDA: The doctor said you'd live longer.

BACHCHAN: Oh, Christ, do you see how controlling she is? Everything's gotta be done her way, but it's always "for my own good," or it's "what the experts say." It's so fucking manipulative...sorry about the language.

COUNSELOR: No, that's okay.

HASDA: But you never listen, Bachie. Last week, my mother's coming for lunch and, I'm sorry, but I wanted things to be perfect.

BACHCHAN: I can't believe you're going to tell that story...

HASDA: I'm in the kitchen all morning, this lovely lamb dish with a yogurt sauce, right? And all I ask of Bachchan, I say, "Bach, don't load up on grass."

COUNSELOR: Bachchan?

BACHCHAN: A handful of blades, tops.

HASDA: So we're halfway through lunch and somebody throws up all over the floor.

COUNSELOR: Well, people do get sick.

HASDA: Yes, they do. But most people excuse themselves from the room. Most people have some sense of modesty or shame.

BACHCHAN: Okay, did I or did I not clean that up?

HASDA: Yes, but it's the way you cleaned it up...

BACHCHAN: Are you hearing this? When I do clean, it's not the RIGHT way to clean.

COUNSELOR: Okay, that does sound a little...controlling.

HASDA: HE ATE HIS OWN VOMIT...while my mother's trying to eat yogurt sauce.

COUNSELOR: Oh, my.

BACHCHAN: Hey, you knew what I was like when you married me.

HASDA: I know, but I thought...

COUNSELOR: What? That you could change him?

HASDA: I guess.June 26-July 2, 2003 ¥ 61