Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, June 26, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

Mort is not a violent person; heck, I wouldn't hurt a fly, unless it was the product of a science experiment gone horribly awry and had the head of, say, Lance Malone. But the next person who even says the words "Harry" or "Potter" to me is going to taste one of my Payless Casuals loafers!

Sorry. I don't mean to lash out. But see, I made the terrible mistake of going to a local Barnes & Noble bookstore Friday night. Oh my God! All I wanted to do was curl up with a mocha and good book on direct stock investing. But I stopped in my tracks as soon as I sensed something amiss. Did I step into a time warp? Was it suddenly Halloween? As I approached someone near the front of the snaking line to ask what all the witch and wizard costumes were about, I suddenly felt hands grabbing and pawing at me. "How cute!" "Just look at him!" "Proves you're never too told to pretend!" "The glasses really make the look, don't they?" "And look at those adorable loafers!"

Before I knew it, the crowd had engulfed me and I was being pushed to the front of the throng. "Enter him into the look-alike contest!" "He's a shoo-in!" Between all the cheek-pinching and pawing from adults and children alike, I was battered and disheveled--but even that didn't stop me from dazedly clutching a "trophy" (a cheap craft-store broomstick) and smiling weakly as they announced I was the winner of the Harry Potter look-alike contest, adult division. Hurray--not! Needless to say, I exchanged the bookstore gift certificate for cash. My health insurance doesn't cover psychotherapy. Aaargh!

But, ever the trooper, I did stick around long enough to spot a few familiar faces in the crowd. The highlight was seeing County Commissioner Mary Kincaid-Chauncey make the rounds, asking the would-be wizards if they could perform a spell that would make the FBI disappear; of course, Dario Herrera was there, too, announcing he'd do PR "work" in exchange for an invisibility spell. Steve Miller showed up as well. He wasn't looking for any spells; he just wanted someone to pay attention to him.

Anyway, I'm no believer in occult stuff, but I was half-thinking about paying some kids to work up some magic that could give the Legislature a big kick in the butt, give Gov. Guinn some persuasive powers, and give those holdout Assembly Republicans stubborn, burning genital rashes. Abracadabra!

If they could work that kind of magic, I'd certainly forgive fans for manhandling me Friday night. Still, say what you will about the Potter craze, but in this so-called digital age, it's nice to see kids get so excited over a book. Now if only the Clark County School District could teach kids how to read it! Ciao!