Thursday, June 26, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Cover Story: Local bands that should break up

How could we talk about bands that don't suck without adding a little context? We came, we listened, we cringed. Local music consumers, avoid the following at all costs:

Bentvalve: Apparently, Bentvalve missed the memo, but white guys haven't looked good in dreadlocks since, like, forever. Nor is opening for Taproot, Static X and Nonpoint something to brag about anymore. Our advice: Cut your hair and cut your losses; the nu-metal thing ain't working out.

Buster Crack: Whoa! High-speed white-boy rap sputtered over middling, unimaginative funk-rock riffing. More rap than rock--but more crap than rap. As the suburban gangstas hanging out at Timberland say: Come correct, puhleeze! Ten bucks says Buster Crack's promo photo shows the band standing in front of a brick wall.

Michael Darby & Smile: Ugh! Sleepwalking acoustic coffeehouse pop so quivering with wide-eyed wonder at the preciousness of love and life that it'll make you want to kill a puppy. The band's catchy and spirited tunes are too few to make it worth slogging through a happy basketful of wan strum 'n' sigh for. I ordered a $6 cappuccino for this?

Quadraponic: Here's a perfect example of a band name gone terribly wrong. Apparently intended as a reference to sound and growth, quadraponic is actually composed of the roots quadri- ("four") and -ponein ("to toil"), which is senseless on so many levels they defy counting. And the music isn't much better. Black Sabbath meets Slipknot--it's the kind of sonic twaddle only a junkie botanist could love.

Two Camel Garage: While tactless vagina references will never completely lose their charm, Two Camel Garage's "Denim Taco"--with the chorus, "Go, go, go, go, bite, bite down on me, yeah"--just seems excessive. Combine that with the fact that the band makes a habit of performing shirtless and that they play something best described as hippie-pop, and it seems TCG might do best close up shop early.--NB and AK