Thursday, March 06, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Revived Oprah's Book Club now mandatory

Nation should be prepared to discuss pages 120-276 of Ulysses Tuesday

NEW YORK--Announcing that her famous Book Club will return next week with a new focus on literary classics, media mogul Oprah Winfrey notified America to pay particular attention to the use of Catholic symbology in James Joyce's Ulysses, as that will be the topic when the new mandatory club convenes Tuesday.

"Promoting literacy is a mission I take seriously," the talk show host said at a press conference Thursday. "That's why I restarted the book club, and that's why all Americans should be prepared to discuss the numerous representations of traditional Catholic symbology in James Joyce's epic Ulysses on Tuesday."

Winfrey also told Americans to pay particular attention to how Joyce's unorthodox use of syntax reflects a postmodern sensibility. Upon the bell ringing, the talk show host told the press conference it was dismissed.

Former child actor insists he's studying for upcoming janitor role

OAKLAND, Calif.--Subjected to another round of ribbing by fellow school custodians, former child actor Adam Rich--known as the youngest son Nicholas in the 1970s show "Eight Is Enough"--insisted Monday night he was merely studying for an upcoming janitor role.

"You think I'm this hard up that I'd be a janitor of my own free will?" he asked his co-workers as he retrieved the electric floor buffer from the utility closet. "Get real. For the thousandth time, ABC is putting together a pilot for a sitcom about a high school janitor, and guess who's in the running for the lead role?"

Rich, a night janitor for the Alameda County School District for a year now, added that his role-research is "almost complete" and that he'll "remember you guys when [he's] back in Hollywood."

Supervisor Donald Koss then told Rich not to forget to "role-research" the vomit in the multipurpose room.

Protester's entire wardrobe is slogan T-shirts

BERKELEY, Calif.--Anti-war protester Megan Burnham's entire wardrobe of tops is made up of T-shirts with pithy, politically charged slogans on them, the college junior discovered Friday while getting dressed for a date.

"Geez. I know I must've bought a blouse at some point during the past three years!" she said as she rifled through her closet, pulling out T-shirt upon T-shirt proclaiming "Stop Mad Cowboy Disease," "Regime Change: Dump Bush" and "No Blood for Oil."

Fruitless in her search for slogan-free clothing, Burnham finally settled on a "Hell No WTO" T-shirt she bought in Seattle last year. "I don't want my date to think I'm fixated or anything," she said.

SavOn clerk a little too curious about woman's pregnancy test

SavOn clerk Mike Kelsner's natural curiosity veered into the wildly inappropriate Tuesday when he began questioning customer Stephanie Moyer about her purchase of a home pregnancy test.

"Missed your period, huh?" Kelsner said as he scanned the EPT testing kit.

"Excuse me?" asked a shocked Moyer.

"Yeah, I noticed you weren't wearing a wedding ring, so this is gotta be one giant bummer," Kelsner offered. "You probably barely know the guy and now you're wondering how you're gonna call him and tell him you're knocked up. You know he's gonna bail on you, right?"

"Umm, if I could just pay and get out of here," the 22-year-old Moyer pleaded.

"Yeah, that's cool," Kelsner said as he slipped the kit into a sack. "Are your breasts tender or anything?"