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Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Someone toss me an umbrella! How about that rain? What a mess! But, really, who am I to complain? At least the recent downpour didn't melt me into a screaming vapor...like it did to Erin Kenny. Poor lady. Gosh, I'd hate to see what holy water would do! "It burns...it burns!" Heh. It just reminds me how much I can't wait for spring to get here, you know, that roughly two-minute period between winter chills and scorching heat--or what Dario calls "foreplay."

In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy the winter as much as I can, which is why I went to Mount Charleston this weekend, trusty toboggan in tow. I haven't seen anything this big and white since Anna Nicole's wedding! And what a popular spot! Not just for the little people, either; I spotted a few big names among the snowy hills, including Robin Leach, treating Celine Dion to a fragrant yellow snowcone...M.C. Hammer sledding (sled courtesy of Corey Feldman's unconscious body)...and Melissa Rivers, who, upon losing a snowball fight to Downtown Julie Brown, screamed, "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" Celebrity, heh. We all got a laugh out of that one, Melissa. A raging mania for plastic surgery does not a celebrity make! I mean, if that were true, Shelley Berkley would be world famous!

Well, I sure am glad they caught that high-ranking Al Qaeda guy last week (I'd write out his name, but my spell checker would explode). Still, I won't really feel safe until they nab that other guy...gee, how can I forget his name...oh yeah, John Ashcroft. I'll pitch in as much duct tape and plastic wrap as it takes to nab him. Man, it's like the Quaker Oats mascot went insane and escaped from the granary!

Which reminds Mort of this whole recent controversy of celebrities getting involved in political discourse. Now, I'm all for free speech and exchanging ideas, but how come the most boooring celebrities always have to get involved. Sean Penn? Yawn! How about we send 50 Cent to Baghdad; he'll foster some cultural understanding! I ran into the rap star at the MGM and asked him about that very thing. "Step off my shiznit, crab-ass muthah, or I'll blowshizzy fiddy caps in yo dome!" See? He already speaks Arabic!

On that front, I also went to the last anti-war protest on the Strip, and I saw a few celebs throwing their weight behind the cause...but now that I see the likes of John Tesh, Danny Gans, Carrot Top, Joe Millionaire and R. Kelly are against attacking Iraq...um, maybe Bush is on to something. Better yet, let's load these guys into a warhead and send it Iraqward...or does that violate the Geneva Convention? Ciao!