Thursday, March 13, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush declares Turkey, France, Germany 'axis of buttholes'

WASHINGTON--Frustrated by growing reluctance among allied nations to support a war on Iraq, an angry President Bush declared Turkey, France, Germany and Russia an "axis of buttholes" Thursday. Characterizing the nations as a threat to warmongering Western countries everywhere, Bush singled out the four nations as "international penis-breath buttwads who stand in the way of progress."

"In openly flauting U.S. interests," he said, "Turkey, France, Germany and Russia are nothing less than an axis of buttholes, total jerk-off regimes."

The countries criticized by Bush were quick to condemn his comments, with Russian President Vladimir Putin going so far as to call Bush a "one-man axis of stupidity." Turkey's prime minister, Abdullah Gul, added that he's "got Bush's axis right here."

Hitman so mad he 'could just kill someone for free'

CHICAGO--Halfway through one of his worst Mondays in recent memory, professional hitman Joey "Trigger" Malconi said he was so angry and frustrated that he "could just kill someone for free."

"First thing this morning, I burn my toast, spill coffee on my new shirt and I show up late to whack that rich attorney's wife. Turns out she'd left already," he told friends Monday afternoon.

"Afterwards, I go outside to find I got a damn parking ticket! I tell ya, I'm so friggin' mad I could go on a friggin' killing spree for no charge."

He added that he could really use some aspirin, a baseball bat and somebody's kneecaps right about now.

Patriotic group calls for repeal of Arabic numeral system by III-XXVII

In a press release dated III-XII, a group calling itself the Citizens of VII-IV demanded that the United States and "all right-thinking free people cease using unpatriotic Arabic numbers."

Group spokesman Bobby Joe Mafoud noted that unlike Freedom Fries and Liberty Cabbage, a simple name change wouldn't be enough in this case.

"I realize the loss of the zero may cause some difficulties, particularly for computers," Mafoud said. "But ever since IX-XI I've been concerned about our dependence on foreign numerals."

The group contends that more than LXXX percent of Americans are in favor of abolishing Arabic numerals. However, opponents note that VC percent of abolitionists were unaware of what an Arabic numeral is.

St. Patrick's reveler can't quite pinpoint green vomit hue

Blaming his state of near "total wastedness," St. Patrick's Day reveler Mike Cremmins was unable to pinpoint the exact hue of the green vomit spread before him on the tile bathroom floor of Lonergan's Pub.

"You'd think it would be Kelly green," Cremmins said as he spat into the sink, "but I think some of the red tones get filtered out by the kidneys. I could even see it going towards loden, what with the stomach acids, but this is lighter somehow."

"I'm tempted to call it celadon," Cremmins offered as he splashed his face with cold water. "It's definitely got some yellow highlights, which I assume is bile. But it doesn't have the shimmering radiance of celadon. I guess if I had to name it, I'd go with verdigris, like the color of oxidized bronze. But that's not it either."