Agnes Fliff

Thursday, March 13, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Sidebar With Agnes Fliff: The Academy Awards

What are some of the most memorable moments from the Oscars?

Oh God, I don't know where to begin. I totally love the glitzy spectacle of the Oscars. I suppose my most memorable Oscar moment was making out with Gary Burghoff in a men's room stall during the '82 ceremony and pinching his nipple so hard he actually barked. I felt just like Cinderella. Right up until Gary tried to pull down my pantyhose and slipped in a puddle of urine. He cracked his skull on the toilet paper dispenser and I had to call for paramedics. I took off before they arrived though, because, at the time, I was Brian Doyle-Murray's common-law wife and he was insanely jealous. He once chased Pat Morita down the street, squirting him with lighter fluid because he suspected Pat of feeling me up during a game of Twister.

Are the Oscars still culturally significant?

Other memorable Oscar moments: On our way to the '79 ceremony, Tom Poston and I dropped a tab of acid in the limo and during the Best Sound Editing awards I ran screaming from the auditorium because giant winged pimento loaves kept swooping at me from the rafters. And last year, Melissa Rivers threatened to gut me like a trout if I didn't keep my hands off the valet who looked just like James Van Der Beek. Well, guess who ended up going home with Valet Der Boink? I pretended his erection was a golden statuette. I clutched it all night, weeping and thanking the little people. He's also a talented screenwriter who came up with the concept of Dude, Where's My Car? but was ripped off by studio moguls.

Will there be any big surprises at this year's Academy Awards ceremony?

A few months ago I predicted The Adventures of Pluto Nash would be the big winner. I'm less confident of that now.