Thursday, March 20, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bush methodically builds coalition of 1

WASHINGTON--In a stunning masterstroke of diplomacy, President Bush has spent the past six months methodically assembling a global coalition of one for this month's invasion of Iraq. And while the president has estranged much of the world with his bold vision, other, more loyal alliances had to be destroyed with good old-fashioned hard work.

"As much as a year ago," explained Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, "we began assembling a vast trove of spurious evidence and then deftly insulting those treasured allies who didn't swallow it whole."

"It's a delicate balancing act," Rumsfeld added. "You're trying to enrage the Muslim world while at the same time isolating yourself from friendly alliances. It's not easy destroying time-honored friendships, but you just have to take it step by step.

"We're fortunate to have a president with the strength to make direct, patronizing appeals to the United Nations, while at the same time declaring the governing body's irrelevance. That's the kind of leadership you need to build a coalition for war."

Infernal underground factory begins annual Cadbury Egg production

DARK KINGDOM OF BRUGG--Officials of the Kingdom of Brugg--the fearsome underworld realm that manufactures nightmares, broken toys and spinach, among other things--announced Tuesday that it has begun production on its annual batch of Cadbury Eggs.

"Children and adults alike will shiver to know their least favorite Easter confection, the chocolate shell filled with a delightfully loathsome sugary goo made to look like raw egg, will be filling Easter baskets on schedule," cackled arch-demon Klorr the Hateful.

Klorr added that recent technological advancements allow Brugg to make Cadbury Eggs even grosser, with an extra-viscous center that will remind consumers of bone marrow as well as semen and snot.

Brugg officials confirmed that this year's production of Brach's Sundae Neapolitan Coconut Chews is on schedule as well.

White House unveils 'My Big Fat Greek War on Terror'

New campaign to emphasize warmth, humor, quirkiness

WASHINGTON--Responding to complaints that the War on Terror's methods infringe on precious civil liberties, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced a less stringent version Monday. Ridge said the government's new "My Big Fat Greek War on Terror" will pursue terrorists and keep America safe--in a charming, quirky manner that will have you laughing out loud.

"This feisty, independent war on terror will be the sleeper hit of the decade," Ridge said. "Terrorists can run, but they can't hide--because they'll be too busy wiping away tears of joy and laughter at this heartwarming, oddball Homeland Security program!"

Ridge said airport screeners will now make up for travelers' trouble with fresh, hot gyros, while suspected terrorists will be coerced into confessions by being subjected to witty banter and hilarious, well-timed pratfalls.

Charlie Daniels deploys troops to Hollywood

HOLLYWOOD--Backing up his censure of the "pampered elite of Hollywood," country singer Charlie Daniels strategically deployed 60,000 of his most rabid fans to Hollywood in anticipation of a possible war with the region.

"Those Tinsel Town snobs can try to hide their communist flags in their spas and hair salons, but I aim to make this country safe for red-blooded, freedom-loving people everywhere," he said, adding that he is "doggone sick and tired" of attempting to use diplomatic channels to convince the region's leader, Martin Sheen, to allow Nashville unfettered access to the area.

"He's floutin' international law," Daniels said of Sheen. When asked what law, the author of classic country tunes such as "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," raised his pistol, cocked it and referred the journalist to the "Smith & Wesson Act."

Meanwhile, Daniels' troops--shirtless, armed with shotguns and six-packs of Milwaukee's Best--continued to amass at Hollywood spas, Starbucks and plastic surgeons' offices.