Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, March 20, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Argh...somebody throw me a few bottles of extra-strength aspirin. Mort's poor head is throbbing with a mayor-sized hangover, proof positive that I truly captured the Irish spirit of St. Patrick's Day this season. Yeah, between the green beer and the pointy-toed leprechaun shoes ("shouts out" to my man Gary Peck for the loan!), I had a blast downtown Monday night, though I've got a looong way to go before I'll be able to shotgun beers like Lynette Boggs McDonald was doing at Fitzgeralds. Amazing! She's gotta be Irish!

And let's not forget my second favorite part of the holiday: the pinching! Yeah, it helps if you "forget" to wear green (like I did) and "accidentally" sit with your highly pinchable buns (like mine) within Nina Radetich's tantalizing reach (like I did). Ohhh...when I felt that telltale sting of fingers grabbing my nether flesh, I turned around with a delightful squeal, only to discover a grinning and winking...Erin Kenny? Whoa. Do I look that much like a developer?

Surprisingly, Mayor Goodman was nowhere in sight, but reliable sources say he was still recovering from Friday night's Ozzy concert. Just goes to show you how "edgy" the once-fearsome metalhead is nowadays...I heard he shocked the crowd by biting the cap off a jug of Metamucil!

Meanwhile, it's certainly wonderful to hear that Elizabeth Smart was rescued from her captors. That poor girl, kidnapped by unstable religious zealots for nearly a year. Believe me, I can relate to her ordeal; I've been to Clark County School Board meetings that seemed to go on forever. Which brings up a rhetorical question: If they continue to allow prayer at school functions, shouldn't they also hafta allow rational thought in their churches? Just a thought.

Well, by the time you read this, we freedom-loving Americans most likely will be embroiled in a major conflict with an intractable enemy, an enemy blind to reason and inured to diplomatic appeals: the IRS. Actually, I planned ahead and filed early last week at the IRS office, and ran into tax protester and all-around crank Irwin Schiff, who was marching, anti-IRS sign in hand, on the sidewalk out front. I couldn't help but ask: "Excuse me, but didn't you help pay for that sidewalk?!"

Well, I'm outta here, dear readers. I'm hitting the grocery store to stock up: pretzels, beer, chips, dip, hot wings...I may have missed the Super Bowl, but there's no way I'm missing out on this historic sporting event: news coverage of the war on Iraq. God, I pray the networks put those former XFL cheerleaders to work. Let freedom fries ring! Ciao!