Thursday, March 20, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

White men can't lose

An alternative look at the 75th Annual Academy Awards

By Jeannette Catsoulis

As the camera pans the nominee section of Hollywood's Kodak Theater Sunday, there they'll be: lots of old white guys. With an average age of 67.5, you'll see Nicholson, Newman, Caine, Scorsese, Polanski (well, maybe not) and Walken--and that's just in the major awards categories. Where are Denzel, Spike and Samuel L. Jackson? Where are Dennis Haysbert--whose role in Far from Heaven was larger than Dennis Quaid's--and Native American Adam Beach, Nic Cage's co-star in Windtalkers?

This year, the job of representing Oscar's ethnic contingent falls to just two women: the formidable Queen Latifah and the fiery Salma Hayek. After throwing an unprecedented three bones to the African-American community last year, Hollywood has quietly returned to business as usual. So perhaps, instead of dissolving in a melodramatic heap of hyperbole, last year's Best Actress winner Halle Berry should simply have said: "It took you 74 years to nominate a black actress. It's about time."

Yet since the movie business is dominated by old white guys, inevitably some of them were snubbed too. Al Pacino and Robin Williams were completely, and correctly, ignored for their overhyped performances in Insomnia and One Hour Photo, and it seems Academy members were less impressed with Richard Gere's tap-dancing in Chicago than the Miramax PR machine would have liked. Despite a whopping 40 nominations showered on the film--including one for the tea lady--Gere was inexplicably passed over; but since most of his "dancing" was obscured by dry ice and semi-naked showgirls, perhaps the intricacies of his footwork were less than clear. Yet the Chicago juggernaut--following as it does last year's frenetic Moulin Rouge--appears to confirm our fears that, after a 22-year absence and 34 years without a win (1968's Oliver!), the musical is making a comeback. The difference is that 34 years ago you actually had to be able to sing and dance in order to star in one.

Best Pic

Sharing Gere's chagrin is Peter Jackson, elbowed out of a Best Director nomination by Spain's Pedro Almodóvar (Talk to Her). Not only is Jackson the only non-nominated director whose movie is in the Best Picture category, but The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers received fewer than half the nominations bestowed last year on Peter's first Tolkien flick, The Fellowship of the Ring. That'll teach him to cut Liv Tyler's screen time to almost zero; the LOTR core audience--young males for whom sex with an actual partner will always be only the vaguest of possibilities--is unlikely to fantasize about Gollum, however subservient his behavior. Better rethink that big old spider in Part III, Pete.

Should win: The Hours, even though it was the subject of an "Oprah" special and your average All-American male men will enjoy it about as much as a Germaine Greer seminar. Will win: Chicago. Women, fish-nets, prison--I rest my case. Criminally neglected: Spike Lee's soulful 25th Hour; Paul Thomas Anderson's brilliant Punch-Drunk Love; Alexander Payne's incisive About Schmidt.

Best Man

Sometimes the Academy gets it right. Everyone in the Best Actor category fully deserves his nomination, although Nicholson (About Schmidt), as the most nominated actor ever--this will be his 12th, with three statuettes already under his belt--could afford to make way for less-fortunate colleagues. That'll be the day. And after months of bullying The Quiet American into enough theaters to qualify for Oscar consideration, Michael Caine is feigning contentment. "I just wanted to see whether I could get a nomination," he insists. "I've got one, I'm happy now and my work is done." Don't believe him for a second.

Should win: Daniel Day-Lewis, for scaring the bejesus out of us in Gangs of New York. Will win: Nicholson, because Adrien Brody (The Pianist) is too new, Caine's film is too un-American, Day-Lewis is too anti-Hollywood and Nic Cage has way too many masturbation scenes in Adaptation. Criminally neglected: Timothy Spall's heartbreaking cab driver in Mike Leigh's All or Nothing; Campbell Scott's unsympathetic turn in Roger Dodger.

Best Babe

As we all know, the crucial attribute for a Best Actress nominee is overall hotness--the absence of a Robert Altman or Ken Loach project has helped tremendously in this respect--and this year's batch may be the most photogenic in years. (Early anxieties over the possibility of a Maggie Smith nomination proved unfounded.) As a bonus, three of the nominees actually deserve their spots; and the mistaken inclusion of Chicago's Renée Zellweger is tempered by the chance that an enraged Catherine Zeta-Jones--stuck in the Best Supporting category--will start a bitchfight during the halftime performance of "All That Jazz."

Should win: Diane Lane, for making infidelity--and public restrooms--sexy again in Unfaithful. Will win: The Hours' Nicole Kidman, even though Virginia Woolf scholars are accusing her of turning their idol into "a maimed fool with a really ugly nose." Criminally neglected: Lesley Manville's wrenching work in All or Nothing; Maggie Gyllenhaal's impish masochist in Secretary.

Best Boss

In a surprisingly provocative move, the Academy has given the exiled Roman Polanski a Best Director nomination for his Warsaw Ghetto movie, The Pianist. The controversial director of Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown has been a fugitive from the United States since 1977 for having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old; but as he is now 70 and probably no longer a teen magnet perhaps the feds will turn a blind eye. (Then again, maybe the feds are behind the nomination and the whole thing is an elaborate trap. Conspiracy theorists are standing by.)

Should win: Pedro Almodóvar, to make up for Spain's stupidity in not making Talk to Her its official entry for Best Foreign Film. Will win: Martin Scorsese for Gangs of New York, because, incredibly, he has never won despite three directing nominations. Criminally neglected: Todd Haynes for the heavenly Far from Heaven.

Finally, in what may be the silliest act since Bjšrk waddled across the stage in her swan dress, the Academy has actually given a nomination--for Best Adapted Screenplay--to someone who doesn't even exist: Charlie Kaufman's fictitious twin, Donald, sharing Charlie's nomination for Adaptation. In that spirit, then, I leave you with some of the lesser-known, but equally valued, awards:

Best Performance by an Actress in a Coma: Award shared by Leonor Watling (Talk to Her) and Natalie Portman (Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones).

Best Performance by an Actor in Cyberspace: Andy Serkis (Gollum in LOTR: The Two Towers).

Most Humiliating Performance by an Old White Guy: Charlton Heston (Bowling for Columbine).

Best Performance by an Old White Musician: Mick Jagger (The Man from Elysian Fields).

Best Representation of the Mentally Challenged: The entire cast of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Best Representation of the Taste Challenged: Everyone who went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding.