Thursday, March 27, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

'Shock and awe' campaign to include Celine Dion, Miss Cleo

WASHINGTON--Continuing the morale-undermining campaign of "shock and awe" against Iraq's entrenched regime, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced Wednesday the process would continue as U.S. warplanes drop Celine Dion, Yakov Smirnoff, Melissa Rivers, Joey Buttafuoco, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Judge Judy Sheindlin and other insufferable celebrities on key installations in Baghdad.

"Wars are won not just with military might, but with psychological impact as well," Rumsfeld said. "And this phase of the 'shock and awe' campaign, which will include, among other things, Celine Dion wandering through Baghdad demanding fresh Evian and Karabarun Gold caviar, will quickly erode the morale of Iraqi troops."

He added that Miss Cleo would be dispatched to harass elite Republican Guard forces to "pick up 'n call now fer ya person'l readin'!" until they surrender.

MTV's 'Spring Break Madness in Mosul' canceled

MOSUL, Iraq--Crouching to avoid shrapnel from incoming artillery fire, Carson Daly and special guest Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst announced that MTV's much-anticipated "Madness in Mosul" spring break event was canceled.

"We heard Mosul was a total party town, know what I'm saying? But this shit is just off the hook," Durst said, his statement punctuated by the roar of two F-18 jets passing overhead. "Sorry, party people, but we're calling it all off. Peace out."

Durst was then thrown to the ground as a nearby munitions warehouse exploded into a firestorm under coalition bombing. Meanwhile, the already thin crowd of frat boys and coeds dashed for cover beneath a bomb shelter emblazoned with a huge Red Bull logo.

"Stay tuned as we come to you live next week from our alternate location, Umm Qasr," Daly said. He then strapped on a gas mask and held on to special guest comedian Carrot Top for dear life.

Wrong propaganda leaflet promises Iraqis excellent income working from home

WASHINGTON--A routing mistake at the government's Office of Publications may threaten America's war with Iraq, sources confirmed Tuesday, as leaflets meant for the Iraqi populace were instead delivered to Gary, Ind.

American planes recently began dropping propaganda leaflets on major Iraqi cities, urging the citizens to cooperate with invading forces and promising the dawn of a new democratic regime. But intelligence sources reported Tuesday that the leaflets dropped on Baghdad instead urged citizens to make as much as $1,600 a week working from the privacy of their own homes. "This is not a scam," the leaflets promised.

Likewise, the port city of Basra found itself under a blizzard of leaflets hawking a "miraculous" herbal pill, Re-Dux, which promises astonishing "all-natural" weight loss without the strain of dieting or exercise.

The mistake was discovered Monday when residents of Gary, Ind., awoke to find their city's street signs and telephone poles plastered with fliers demanding their immediate surrender to American and British forces. "No harm will come to those who obey their new masters," the signs read in Arabic.

43rd surgery renders Siegfried indistinguishable from Roy

The latest promotional pictures reveal that decades of plastic surgery and genetic manipulation have made it impossible to tell Siegfried from Roy.

Initially, the illusionist duo began their odyssey of operations to "halt the cruel assault of time," said a spokesman. Eventually, however, they became obsessed with achieving the Teutonic ideal and sought out Heinrich Alcazar, famed Argentinean plastologist. Alcazar transformed them into what a recent press release described as "living replicas of Thor, the Norse god of thunder."

When pressed for comment, Siegfried, or perhaps Roy, said through a jaw with skin stretched tighter than Oprah's culottes, "Ngee mmrr mmemmimed mmffm mmah mmemmumfs."