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Thursday, March 27, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Basement Files: Attention! Citizens of Iraq

In the early days of March, American planes began dropping leaflets on Iraq's largest population centers. Unlike the coarse, ham-fisted propaganda of yesteryear, today's leaflets try to strike a more casual, conversational tone. Here are but a few of the U.S. forces' leaflets, as translated by Taha as-Azzawi.

Look Up!

(Dropped March 7)

Isn't there something transcendent about free shit falling from the sky? You're going about your normal day when something, something like providence, begins raining down on you. You look up and some measure of hope swells in your chest. There's something almost biblical about it. Oh. Sorry. That was a damn awkward reference and I apologize. But there has to be some Koranic counterpart to manna. Right?

Even if there isn't, you have to admit there's something about stuff falling from the sky that makes you think, at least for an instant, that your life and fortunes are about to change. I don't know why it is. Psychologists probably would say that just the act of looking heavenward triggers some atavistic memory of calming faith and hope. Who knows? But there is something cool about it.

You squint against the noonday sun and see thousands of papers emerging from the clouds. And admit it, some part of you dares to hope an IMF transport plane has suffered a rupture in the cargo hold and that thousands of dollars, francs and rubles will soon float into your greedy, desperate hands. But as you watch their descent, you suddenly realize the fluttering pattern isn't right for currency. The little zig-zags aren't frantic enough. No, this is something made of some heavier paper stock than money. And as the papers pierce the 500-foot level, you dejectedly realize it's just crappy propaganda leaflets from your new and brutal masters. Bingo!

But, really, this is just our way of keeping in touch. In this age of satellites, e-mail and cell phones, sometimes good old-fashioned direct mail is still the best way to reach your target audience. Again, an awkward turn of phrase. Don't read too much into that. Just keep looking up. We'll be in touch!

Waiting

(Dropped March 11)

I guess the hardest part of the war is the waiting. The not knowing when the attacks will come. Well, I guess that's a stupid thing to say. Naturally, the real worst part of war is the shrapnel and the opportunistic infections. I guess technically death is the worst part. Unless you've been tortured, in which case death is a blessed relief. I don't know, but waiting is clearly somewhere in the top five. I gotta think any kind of amputation is up there too. You know what's freaky? You know that syndrome where you lose a leg but you still want to itch it like a year later? Isn't that weird? Maybe not. I mean, I've lost girlfriends and I still wanted to have sex with them a year later. I bet it's a similar tingling sensation. Whatever, these next few weeks could be pretty stressful. You should try to do something nice for yourself. Like maybe shore up your load-bearing walls with some sandbags. Or maybe treat yourself to a massage. With some nice candles. Maybe some aromatherapy too. You'll think of something.

Why Iraq? Why Now?

(Dropped March 14)

A good question and one being asked by peace activists all over the world. Here's the deal. It's sort of like college football. It's a new season and we're opening on the road. So what do we do? We pack the early schedule with some out-of-conference patsies. We're a perennial power, sort of like USC. You're a scrappy, but lower-tier program, like the Idaho Vandals. There's a certain prestige in our coming to your campus, but you know you're gonna take an ass-kicking. We're loaded with top recruits and you've got a bunch of game, gutty farm kids who dominated the 2A brackets in their state.

You can see why we'd schedule you, but why would you ever schedule us? Well, money, of course. There's the immediate NCAA payout of rebuilt infrastructure. Plus, we're bringing our tremendous fan base and that means even more revenue. And you're getting some good exposure. The national press is suddenly paying attention to a program that's been down at the heels for a good decade. Money and exposure means better recruiting. That means a better program. Within a few years, you'll be able to demand a home-and-away package from us. But until you get stronger, we're just gonna keep coming to your stadium.

What's our downside? Well, we take a beating in the BCS Poll (world opinion). This doesn't help our rating at all. But even when we get hammered by the strength-of-schedule index, we still come away with a convincing W. And that's what it's all about.

What to Do If

I'm Interrogated?

(Dropped March 17)

Keep it simple. Remember, you're talking to 19-year-olds. Okay? Nineteen-year-old Americans. Do I have to spell this out for you? Nineteen-year-old Americans who probably finished in the bottom fourth of the world's worst educational system. So some of your finer distinctions, say Sunni vs. Shi'a, for example, are gonna be lost on them. And don't even get started on the Ba'th party. No idea what you're talking about. None. Not a clue in the world.

So talk very slowly. And stay on topic. Don't start bitching about the Crusades. These kids have never heard of the Crusades. Ever. We don't even cover it in school. I kid you not. And any oblique references to the Crusades...like Osama bin Laden's being the new Saladin...whoosh, right over our heads. You might as well be speaking Arabic. You do speak English, right?