Thursday, May 01, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Hussein gets all the way to Syria before remembering Palm Pilot

SYRIAN BORDER--Fleeing in the night from the wrath of American firepower, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had barely crossed the Syrian border before remembering his prized Palm Pilot had been left behind at his Tikrit presidential palace.

With a safe escape behind them, the laughter and bravado of trusted aides and bodyguards filled the interior of Hussein's Mercedes-Benz S600 when the Iraqi dictator grew suddenly pensive. "Wait a minute," Hussein said, craning his neck to address the back seat. "Did anyone think to bring my Palm Pilot?"

As a nervous silence descended over the car, Hussein fought to keep his composure. "Okay, I'm going to ask one more time. Whose job was it to pack my PDA? Either the coward who forgot it speaks up, or we're all going back."

When the ultimatum brought only ambivalent mumbling, Hussein angrily threw the car in reverse, screaming, "All right, have it your way." The cowed aides begged the president to abandon his dangerous obsession, but Hussein was having none of it.

"Look, all my important stuff's on there. Phone numbers, addresses, my entire schedule for the next month. You're goddamn right we're going back."

Ashcroft: New Madonna album sucks

WASHINGTON--In his most strongly worded statement to date, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft roundly criticized Madonna's latest album, American Life, as "explosively vapid and impotently self-aggrandizing," noting that "the only way the so-called shock-chanteuse has managed to surprise us this time around is by how much of a pompous, unfocused piece of shit this album is."

The statement, released Monday, added that Ashcroft's disappointment was sharpened by the fact that he called in late for work so he could wait in line at the nearby Sam Goody before it opened so he could get his hands on the much-anticipated album.

"Has the pop diva grown so rich, so complacent, so bloated she can afford to release such half-baked, half-aborted sucky pop crap?" Ashcroft asked. "If so, she can certainly afford to refund me my $15.99."

Fremont Street hooker runs out of euphemisms for sex

Having run out of safely vague euphemisms for sex to use in propositioning downtown tourists, Fremont Street prostitute Allison "Sweetie" Mallworth has recently been resorting to asking them outright if they'd like to copulate in exchange for money, the frustrated whore said Friday.

"I used to ask 'em if they want a little 'action,' but they're always like, 'What do you mean?'" Mallworth said. "Then I'm like, 'How about we go back to your place and party?' Duh. I ask if they wanna mambo with the clam, spread 'em and bed 'em, play in-and-out, store the sausage, soak 'n' poke, roll in the hay--these guys just don't friggin' get it."

Mallworth added that she was considering buying a sandwich board.

'Iraqis Gone Wild' Volume 4 released

QATAR, Iraq--Promising "four times the naughty action of previous releases," producers of the infamous "Iraqis Gone Wild" video series announced the fourth volume of the series featuring Iraqis burning, looting and robbing in post-invasion Iraq.

"You may think you know the Iraqi next door," said Sizzle Video president Marcus Roland, "but your jaw will drop when you see him cut loose in a lawless postwar Iraq, looting stores, pillaging destroyed homes and robbing banks!"

Roland added that the bonus DVD features devout Muslim women lifting their burqas and "flashing" cameras with their faces.