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Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Whazzup, peeps? Was this year's River Run in Laughlin a bust or what? Do over! Do over! I mean, after hearing all those great stories about last year's crazed, gun-wielding bikers, Mort plunked down prime bucks to see some quality brutality and mayhem, and all I got was watered-down margaritas and 40-year-old women in leather bras. Hey, I coulda gone to Palace Station for that. Refund! Gee, guess if I want my share of senseless violence, I'll hafta rely on that old standby: heading downtown and watching Metro "help" the homeless. Otherwise, the biker rally had as much leather and steel as Erin Kenny's basement lair of erotic delights (so say reliable cust--uh, sources). Even ran into Gov. Kenny Guinn in the fine river city of Laughlin--for once, it was refreshing to see him riding instead of being ridden. The whole Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce was there, too; it came rolling in on--how metaphorically appropriate--Hogs. Besides that, it was engine exhaust, testosterone and noise--if you've driven the Rainbow Curve at 8:30 a.m., you've been to the River Run.

Not that I'm complaining. The event makes me all the more thankful for my freedoms here in the good ol' U.S. of A., especially after seeing the want and privation in postwar Iraq (Bechtel, Halliburton and Fluor Corp. exempted). I sure hope a repressive theocracy doesn't take root there--you know, kinda like it did at the Clark County School Board. So, for stability's sake, puhleeze, President Bush, try to install a dictator who lasts at least a little while. A stern, ruthless taskmaster unmoved by pity, a heartless ruler indifferent to suffering or want, an inhuman monster obsessed with power. The choice is clear: Celine Dion for prime minister of Iraq!

Hear the buzz about this $100K list? Oh, the controversy--not over the fact that public employees are overpaid, but that some of them are miffed for not making the list! City Councilman Michael Mack, for instance, complained about not being on it; I explained that the list reflected what public officials earned, not what they owed. Oddly, Guinn didn't make the list...oh, wait. He's a private contractor for the gaming industry.

Seen The Real Cancun yet? I did! (Figured it'd be better for my eyes than watching scrambled Spice all the time.) The drunkenness! The debauchery! The degradation! Well, now I have an idea what to expect from a Creed concert. Yeah, the lead singer of that band's lately become the sort of poster boy for celebrities behaving badly of late. But hopefully he'll be outdone on his next tour: I hear Jamie Foxx is the opening act! Praise the Lord and pass the 250-pound security guard!

Finally, I'd just like to remind everyone that Mother's Day is coming up in just a few weeks. Give her some flowers, some candy, maybe even a Saran-Wrapped Assemblyman Mark Manendo! Ciao!