Thursday, May 08, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Toby Keith still trying to write catchy single about Iraq reconstruction

NASHVILLE--Originally buoyed by his patriotic hit single, "Courtesy of the U.S.A.," Toby Keith hasn't had the same luck in penning an equally simple, catchy tune about the myriad challenges and perils of reconstructing postwar Iraq, the country superstar admitted Thursday.

"It took me the whole damn day just to find something to rhyme with 'repressive theocracy,''' he said, finally fudging with "gonna mess with democracy."

Nonetheless, the country star is committed to writing a hit single that engages issues such as the politically sensitive hiring process for U.S. contractors, building a democratic government from the ground up and the war's broader implications for ongoing tensions in the Middle East.

"The chorus is about how the U.S.'s stabilizing presence in the region might not only be construed by Iraqis as the occupation of a hostile force, but might be taken by the global community as further undermining the legitimacy of the U.N.," Keith said. "It'll really get people movin' their feet."

Councilman Mack says short prayer before inserting ATM card

Seconds before inserting his card into a downtown ATM machine, Las Vegas City Councilman Michael Mack muttered a short prayer in hopes the machine would not rebuke him with the message "UNABLE TO COMPLETE TRANSACTION" that seems to menace him with chilling regularity these days.

"Holy Father, in your infinite benevolence and mercy, please, please, please let me have enough money in my checking account for a medium fries and small Coke at Carl's Jr.," Mack whispered fervently as he pushed his card into the machine. "I promise to be fair, just and wise in my decisions both as a public servant and as a debt-ridden private citizen."

The machine later informed Mack he had $3.28 in his checking account.

Man stunned by ugliness of girlfriend's mother

Kurt Boler's long-awaited first meeting with his prospective in-laws was marred Sunday when the Las Vegas resident found himself "utterly stunned" by the ugliness of his fiancee's mother.

"When Pat first answered the door, my first thought was, `Please God, let this be the maid,'" Boler said Tuesday. "But, no, it was Tina's mom, all right. I was expecting an elegantly aged version of Tina. No way I was ready for this horror."

And though Boler tried to make a good impression on his new family, he acknowledges being distracted the whole afternoon. "I found myself subtly staring at Pat all day and wondering, `Is this normal aging or have you been working with volatile acids?' And what's worse, I could clearly see Tina's features through that ghoulish mask of sagging, pallid flesh."

The shock of Sunday's visit has Boler rethinking the entire marriage timetable. "They say if you want to know what your girlfriend is going to look like in 30 years, just look at her mom," Boler said. "Well, no way I'm sticking around for this kind of genetic decay."

Area fourth-grader did in fact bring enough for whole class

SACRAMENTO--Responding to his teacher's patronizing challenge, area fourth-grader Alex Lippington said he did in fact bring enough Razz-Bubble Charm Pops for the whole class Tuesday.

The exchange began when teacher Martha Cloyson spied Lippington sucking a Charm Pop, and resorted to that classic guilt-inducing ploy: "Well, Alex, I certainly hoped you brought enough for the whole class."

Lippington responded by unzipping his backpack to reveal a bulky bag of the raspberry-flavored suckers with the bubble gum center. "As a matter of fact, there's plenty for everyone," he said as he began to distribute them among the students. "I'll even have some left for Mrs. Keel's class next door."

Lippington added that tomorrow he'd have enough Capri Sun for everybody as well.