Agnes Fliff

Thursday, May 08, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

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Facts on Iraq reconstruction

Who is currently in charge of Iraq?

James Garner, best known for his portrayal of laconic private eye Jim Rockford in "The Rockford Files," has been appointed by the Bush administration to run the country, but that's only temporary. It will be up to the Iraqi people to select a leader. Anyone is fine, just as long as he's not a hard-line cleric or all Talibany. Inflexible religious zealots are not fit to govern any country besides our own.

What will the new Iraq look like?

First, it will have a different name. This will help the country carve out a new identity and placate its neighbor, Iran. As you can imagine--Iraq, Iran, Iran, Iraq--the similar spelling created confusion that was directly responsible for ongoing animosity between the nations. Iran was always getting Iraq's mail by mistake, packages weren't delivered properly; it was just a huge pain in the ass. Look for Iraq to adopt a more swinging moniker, like I-Ro, East Dakota, Halliburtonville or America's Biyatch.

Why haven't we found any evidence that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction, which was the primary justification for going to war?

As White House spokesman Ari Fleischer explained, "Please be patient. Iraq is a big country and the search for WMD could take months." Oops. My bad. That was actually an old quote from chief weapons inspector Hans Blix. What Ari Fleischer said was, "Please be patient. Iraq is a big country and the search for WMD could take months. Especially since the weapons probably were smuggled out of the country by the Dixie Chicks."

What happened to the Iraqi minister of information, whose unwaveringly optimistic press conferences turned him into a cult figure?

Muhammed Saeed al-Shahaf is now pursuing a career in advertising. Maybe you've seen his new campaign: "Midol is now coated to soothe your stomach before it roasts in hell with other infidels. So do not become hysterical because of your menstrual cycle, female bastards. If you insist on riding this cycle of blood and moods each month, avoid craziness by taking many Midol."