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Knappster: Partying hard with Big Bill Bennett

By George Knapp

So, anyway, in my dream, I'm out on a three-day runner with self-appointed morality crusader and poohbah of virtue William Bennett. We're completely hammered, almost comatose, but Big Bill isn't ready to slow down. As we sit in the high-end slot salon at Caesars, the portly pundit pounds token after token into the $100 poker machines while ogling the ample cleavage of a cocktail server.

"Now I see why they call them goddesses here," he growls. "Maybe she'd like to go up to my suite for a little of the ol' Republican law and order."

"Geez, Bill, didn't you see enough action at Little Darlings? We were there for 14 hours, for chrissakes."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, you pinko blasphemer," he barks. "For the record, I only stayed there because I was researching my new book and wanted to see how many of those teenage dancers were unwed mothers. You know, I could swear a couple of the customers had been smoking what the kids today call Mary Jane. We would still be there invstigating if they hadn't started blasting that infernal rap music. That crap is destroying our nation."

"Well, I can't argue with you on that one, big guy. But hey, it's a free country."

"Yeah, and that's the problem. Too much freedom and not enough self-discipline," he says while slurping a margarita with one hand and punching the slot machine with the other. "Man, I need a royal flush like Limbaugh needs liposuction."

"Speaking of self-discipline, don't you feel just a tad guilty about sitting here, gambling away a fortune, sucking on unfiltered Camels, after hanging out in nudie bars the past few days? And judging by that Michelin around your gut, it looks like you and Rush have been hittin' the same buffets. Some discipline."

"Very funny. Look, I never said gambling is a vice. I simply left it off my usual list of evil activities. An oversight, really. And just because I'm the moral compass of the conservative movement doesn't mean I should turn down a $200,000 credit line, a high-roller suite at Bellagio and the combination to the casino's pastry vault," he grumbles. "You're missing the big picture with your wisecracks. Moral imperatives are for the masses, the little people, not for honchos like me."

"How so?"

"When I was secretary of education, I railed against our pathetic public schools, inept educational standards and poor students. Later, I had no hesitation in delivering the nomination speech for Dan Quayle to be vice president. He wasn't exactly a Rhodes scholar, you know. Did that take balls or what? And remember, I blamed Bill Clinton's illicit knob job for the decline of our civilization, but never said a word when my own brother hired on as Clinton's lawyer in the Paula Jones scandal. I'm not a guy who is bothered by what some lesser mortals might call hypocrisy."

"But isn't honesty one of the virtues you tout in your speeches to corporate fat cats?"

"Honesty is for commoners and pipsqueaks, not for titans of industry. I am only too willing to accept $50,000 speaking fees from corporate pirates such as Enron or others because that money helps me to spread the word that we need to crack down on welfare moms and pot dealers and put more of them behind bars. Too many street criminals are walking around free. Our incarceration rate may be the highest in the world, but it isn't high enough. Besides, haven't you ever heard of the Big Lie?"

"The Big Lie?"

"Yeah, it traces back to Goebbels," he mutters. "Tell a lie big enough and the public will believe it. Look at this whopper about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We told the world we knew exactly where they were, how many and what type, but said we couldn't reveal our sources. Shoot, even the Bushies are admitting now that the weapons aren't there. They based that whole war on WMD and the imminent threat to the U.S. Now they're saying maybe Saddam secretly moved these hundreds of tons of weapons somewhere else--without us seeing it. Ha. They knew that once the U.S. kicked Iraqi butt, no one would care one way or another if we found the weapons or not. They would just come up with another rationale, knowing the Fox News Channel will whip up support for it, and presto, another Big Lie is used to manipulate the herd. It's not really lying because it's for their own good."

"Hey, I don't mean to spoil your night but that sounds like bullshit to me. Besides, I think there are some reporters over there who are on to your gambling habit."

"Fine. I'll tell them I'm quitting. It gives me a whole new topic for my next book--how I kicked gambling cold turkey, without some expensive, government-funded therapy sessions. Self-reliance. That's what made this country great. I'm giving a speech about it next week to Indian casino owners. Indians, now there's a bunch that needs moral guidance."

Names, faces

and places

More nastiness is coming soon in the Ward 1 council race. The Michael McDonald camp has unearthed more info about challenger Janet Moncrief, including files about her colorful driving record and tough questions about her true residency. ... The tiny town of Rachel is holding its silver anniversary celebration this weekend (May 9-11). Rachel is known worldwide as the center of Nevada's Extraterrestrial Highway, which runs adjacent to the infamous Area 51 military base. Events are scheduled throughout the weekend. Coming up later this month, the Little A'Le'Inn is holding its own UFO conference, with guest speakers and presentations. That's slated for Memorial Day weekend. ... As predicted here last week, tensions are mounting over the progress--or lack thereof--in the construction of the Regional Justice Center. The plug has been pulled on AF Construction, and a new contractor is being brought in. ... My pal and former college debate partner C. Lamar Garren, now a highfalutin' attorney in Virginia, asks this question: Now that Iraq has fallen, should we refer to the Axis of Evil as the Lever of Evil? How about the Teeter Totter of Evil?. ... Teachers at Lied Middle School are saying they've been ordered to avoid issuing any failing grades, no matter how poor a student's performance may be. Is this really the policy of the CCSD? ... R-J columnist Norm Clarke is reportedly close to finishing his first book about Las Vegas, a compilation of top 10 lists about our town. ... As a six-day-a-week consumer of Mexican chow, it's always a good day when a Mexican restaurant opens in Las Vegas. Casa Don Juan has reopened on South Main after extensive renovation work. Don Juan's is located in the middle of Main Street's furniture store section and was a favorite of locals until it closed early last year. Its return is welcome news for those who work in the downtown area. ... Metro homicide detective Dave Hatch, the man in charge of Metro's cold case files, says his book about "use of force" policies and procedures continues to be a runaway best seller within the national law enforcement industry. ... The renowned House of Lords restaurant reopened in the Sahara Hotel last week. The place looks fabulous, and from what we hear some longtime celebrity diners are preparing to help promote the restaurant's return to its former glory. Comedians Buddy Hackett and Don Rickles remember some outrageous stories from the good old days. Maitre d' Herb Trengen hints that such stories may get a wider airing soon.