Thursday, May 15, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mercury World Report

Bennett reluctantly returns satin Arizona Charlie's Players Club jacket

WASHINGTON--Expressing regret for years of gambling that he said subverted his image as a promoter of virtue, William Bennett reluctantly turned in his satin Arizona Charlie's Players Club jacket Friday.

"Though I've earned enough slot club points to legally enter Arizona Charlie's 'Four Wheelin' and Dealin'' drawing for a 2003 Lincoln Navigator, this is not the example I wish to set," Bennett said at a press conference. "I am giving up gambling, and today I relinquish my stylish but comfortable satin Players Club jacket with the embroidered Arizona Charlie's logo on the back."

Bennett also gave up his 57 buffet comp tickets and said he'd cease wearing his Arizona Charlie's "Where the West Is Won" T-shirt to work on casual Fridays.

The conservative standard-bearer emphasized, however, that he is not addicted to gambling. "As for the Saddle Up Coffee Shop's $1.99 steak-and-eggs special, that's a private matter," he said.

With war over, Bush vows to restore car

WASHINGTON--With the war in Iraq all but over, President Bush vowed on Tuesday to steer his domestic agenda toward the painstaking restoration of his prized 1973 Triumph Stag.

Bush acknowledged that the British sports car, long a source of marital conflict, had been sitting on the White House lawn for more than two years.

"The naysayers, my wife among them, see but a rusted carcass of neglected steel," Bush said in a nationally televised speech. "But Americans with vision, and purpose, see a beautiful roadster yearning for its former glory."

Immediately after taking office, Bush removed the transmission to replace a faulty second-gear synchronizer. "Once I pulled the tranny, I figured I should go ahead and replace the rear crank seal," Bush said. "But then the 9/11 thing happened and it just got pushed aside."

Bush blamed the war on terror and congressional inaction for the halting progress in the car's restoration. "Three times I've asked Dennis Hastert to come over on Saturday and help me wet-sand this Bondo," Bush said. "Three times he's rejected my offer. And that's with a full cooler of beer."

Area woman always reminding everyone husband is a firefighter

During lunch with friends, local woman Carolyn Manders reminded the group no less than five times that her husband, Carl, is a firefighter, sources said Tuesday.

"God, how can we possibly forget her husband Carl is a brave, strapping, manly-man firefighter? Carolyn never fails to slip it in there somehow, the fact her husband Frank is the department's squad leader," said friend Teresa Sawyer after lunch. "Like today, she says she had to pick up her son from school since Frank would be at work late doing training exercises--because, of course, he's a firefighter. Then she talked about how he was thinking of getting a personal trainer--you know, so he'd be in better shape for fighting fires."

Sawyer added that she swears to God that one of these days she is going to rip the special firefighter license plate off Manders' 4Runner and smash it over her head.

N. Korea disappointed to learn it's 7th on list for U.S. invasion

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA--Still pressing for a conflict with the United States, North Korea was disappointed to learn that the secretive, fiercely communist country was seventh on the list for invasion by the United States, after Iraq, Iran, Syria, Jordan, Turkey, and Pakistan, the nation admitted Wednesday.

"We are unhappy to learn that the imperialist aggressors of the decadent West have condescended to rattle their sabers elsewhere before turning to their most powerful foe yet," said North Korea leader Kim Jong II. "But while our national pride is temporarily hurt, we will join the battle against the warmongering U.S. with renewed spirits when it is our turn. However, we do request that we are least bumped to fifth place."

Kim Jong II later asked Turkey and Pakistan for cuts in line.