Mortimer Larp III

Thursday, May 15, 2003
Copyright © Las Vegas Mercury

Mort!

By Mortimer Larp III, Mercury accountant

Whew! Excuse me while I catch my breath! I was just initiated into summer blockbuster season, people! WOW! The story! The special effects! I haven't seen science fiction this compelling since The Phantom Menace! I truly felt transported to a fantasy world with its own set of rules and logic where the impossible could happen. Yeah, that Jim Rhodes sure knows how to put together a TV ad. He actually had me believing high-density development would be good for Red Rock Canyon. Hollywood, get this guy on board for Matrix 3!

What a dork. Why, I've got a good mind to lock him up in a Jell-O-filled room with a codpiece-clad Mark Manendo!

But seriously, I did get into an advance screening of Matrix Reloaded this week. Mort's review: um, really now, how am I supposed to believe some dude with all the personality of split pea soup is going to change our fate for the better? (Um, no offense, Gov. Guinn). But all was not lost; I did manage to spot a few familiar faces in the crowd, including City Councilman Michael McDonald (who blocked the aisle while practicing his 3D slow-motion crane kick, presumably for Janet Moncrief). Yeah, what's up with that little controversy? First it's an inspiring story of a hopeful underdog, then suddenly it's a lurid tale of backroom political machinations. Yep, it just goes to show that God put a little bit of Erin Kenny in all of us. Heh, where ya think she'll end up after all this Rhodes business clears up? Most likely on some late-night infomercial, selling--what else?--kneepads. You know, right after the one featuring William Bennett hawking The Expert Guide to Slots. Ah, it's sad to think our country's finest moral guides--Swaggart, Bakker, Falwell, Bennett--could've solved their problems by moving to Vegas. They'd be so jaded by sin that nothing could tempt them! I mean, it took me no more than two months to get all whored, buffeted and video pokered out. And look at who I am today!

Anyway, I've been so steamed about sleazy politics these days that I just had to take a vacation from reality (so this is what it's like to be a member of the Chamber of Commerce!), not reading the papers or taking in TV news. Instead, I got as far from the real world as I could, which pretty much required me to watch "Mr. Personality." Yikes! Have you seen this show! Guys wearing these crazy masks try to court this beautiful young woman. Now I'm hooked, holding out for the season finale; something tells me during the final unmasking, we're all gonna find out the lows to which Steve Sebelius has gone to get a date. Ciao!